


My Clarity

by poprockshawty



Series: Embers [1]
Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Fluff and Smut, EXO OT12, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Manipulation, Eventual Smut, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Hurt/Comfort, One Night Stands, Smut, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-13
Updated: 2018-04-22
Packaged: 2019-03-04 09:03:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 33,134
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13361217
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/poprockshawty/pseuds/poprockshawty
Summary: “My heart was in an eternal winter when I first came to Seoul. But when you came into my life it was spring again. You are my spring. The spring to my winter and the clarity to my haze.”





	1. A Little Warmth

The winters in Seoul were cold, but not unforgiving. The skies were barren and boring and blank, but Elle had had enough of that bitterness and bleakness. In fact, she had only come to Korea to get away from the toxicity of her past trials and tribulations. So here she was, like a hot cocoa in the winter, the very epitome of vibrancy and buoyancy. She was determined to color her life with joy and cheer and spread it to those around her, although the festive atmosphere of a welcomed Christmas was still several weeks out of reach.

 

Nothing could bring her down. Not anymore. The warmth radiating from her, especially when she smiled with mirth, was enough to melt an icy heart, although hers she would not give to anyone easily.

 

She was here to start anew. Fresh beginnings! Looking herself in the mirror: elegant heels, vermilion skirt, tumbleweed blouse, and makeup on fleek — she was feeling very confident, comfortable, and ready for her first day of work.

 

* * *

 

 

Spacious and clean and nice. That was Elle’s impression of her office at the SM Entertainment Building. The interior of the building was clearly designed for both comfort and greatness. With a tasteful selection of furniture to include even massage chairs, the modern vibes that pervaded the compound did well befit pioneers and those who helped the brand reach and maintain this success.

 

Sitting down comfortably at her desk, Elle had a look at her schedule for today. It was no easy job being an English tutor, but it was not too hectic. At least, she felt like it was not too much compared to the artists’ workload. Her morning lesson was with a large class of trainees but their level was already Advanced. It passed rather quickly but to make sure she was in her best condition for the one-on-one tutorial with her other student in the afternoon, she needed caffeine.

 

The cafeteria was not crowded. Granted, everybody here did get pushed quite hard to be productive and efficient, so it should not be a surprise that not many people could spare the time to stay here and chill. There was no queue either.

 

“Can I have a large hazelnut macchiato please, half-caf, with soy, extra hot,” she said happily to the cashier. But that was when she heard a light snort from the person behind her in line, which made her huff and turn around to face him. The man was quite tall, so she took the time to eye him from head to toe. Evidently he wanted to remain in style yet casual, as his marengo sweater and taupe trousers did not demand attention the way his stage outfits did. His angular, handsome face, however, did, as Elle gasped and stopped breathing for a moment once she recognized who it was: the main dancer of EXO, and her student for the afternoon.

 

“What…?” Jongin muttered, though not unkindly, as he ran a hand through his hair dyed ash grey. He did not think much of the snort he had failed to stifle but did not reckon it would be loud enough for her to hear.

 

“I heard that, you know.” Elle frowned and picked up her jaw once she had come to her senses, even though a voice at the back of her mind acknowledged that she had found it both cute and hot when Jongin had ruffled his hair. “It’s how I like my coffee. Isn’t it boring to just go for an ordinary cappuccino?” She folded her arms across her chest.

 

Unbothered, Jongin shrugged and went right ahead to order exactly that ordinary cappuccino. Elle pursed her lips as if she was being challenged, but stepped away from him to pick up a phone call. “Hello?”

 

“Girl! You said you’d text me over lunch break but you never did and I’ve been waiting! So how’s your day? How’s work so far? Have you eaten yet? How are your students? They must all be so good-looking, right?”

 

Elle patiently waited for the person on the other end of the line to finish. She knew her best friend was bubbly and talkative like that. Gladly, Elle answered each question and added at the end in a secretive tone, “and I know you’re dying to ask me this so I’m just gonna tell you — no, I have not yet seen your beloved Taemin.”

 

Seeing as her coffee was ready, she grabbed it off the counter and made her way back to her office. “Hey, I'm gonna talk to you later, alright? I'm about to go into the elevator,” she said.

 

When the elevator doors opened, Elle’s jaw dropped for the second time this afternoon when she saw the four boys step out. They were not focused on her as they looked too intrigued by the conversation they were having.

 

“I’ll bet it's Chanyeol,” Suho asserted, the natural confidence of a leader very much evident.

 

“No way. For sure it'll be Jongin,” Baekhyun replied promptly, sounding quite certain too.

 

“What if it's for a movie or drama they're filming?” Kyungsoo chimed in, composed but engaged and definitely not unnoticed.

 

“Then it shouldn't count,” Sehun decreed without missing a beat.

 

“Where is Chanyeol anyway?” Kyungsoo chuckled. “Is he not coming with us?”

 

“He's supposed to…” Sehun hesitated, checking his watch.

 

“Have we lost him?” Suho asked casually as he led the way to the car park.

 

“I’m sure he’ll catch up,” Baekhyun laughed but quickly stifled his giggles as if he wished to hide something from his fellow members. “We ain’t going nowhere without him...” His voice trailing off as they had walked too far away for Elle to hear any more of their conversation, even though she looked on in delight long after. She was unable to wipe the smile off her face at having seen so many EXO members at such a close distance she could hardly breathe. It put her in such a good mood. She loved her new job!

 

She was so engrossed in this otherworldly experience that she kept smiling and reliving those fleeting moments all through the elevator ride. Mentally she thought about what they could possibly be talking about, and counted how many EXO-K members she had just met. Hold on, she was missing one, and that was Chanyeol. Meet the tall rapper and she would have the entire collection. All within the first day of work. Luck really seemed to be on her side. She was so thrilled that she could not even bear to wait to find a quiet place to call her best friend back; she had to type out everything in a text whilst breathing deeply. And while she was at it, her thumb hitting the keyboard at the speed of light, the elevator had arrived at her floor. The doors opened and she stepped out eagerly without a thought for anything else in the world but her brief encounter with some of the most attractive men ever. She was walking without looking up, without watching where she was going, and crashed right into someone.

 

“Oh my gosh! I'm sorry!” Elle exclaimed. She was too taken aback to be thankful that she did not spill her coffee. She was after all half-expecting her nostrils to be assaulted by the strong scent of the coffee and the subsequent stench of pity at having spilled it. Instead, she breathed in the milky-sweet and rich fragrance of cologne. She might even say it was the very aroma of relaxation and renewal but she would be getting way ahead of herself. She knew she had smelled this from somewhere but of course in that moment could not quite recall where.

 

She took a moment to recover from her shock before looking up at the person she was repeatedly apologizing to. He was so tall, and broad, and _cute_. Perhaps most importantly, he was Park Chanyeol, the nation’s boyfriend.

 

“Are you alright?” He asked gently, not at all offended.

 

“I'm fine,” Elle choked, then flushed in embarrassment. “I'm so sorry. I should go.” She mumbled, picking up her feet and scuttling away. She had better recompose herself, stay collected, and get ready for her afternoon class.

 

* * *

 

 

“Good afternoon, teacher—” Jongin froze as soon as he stepped into the classroom and found that his English tutor was exactly the large hazelnut macchiato, half-caf, with soy, extra hot girl. He had no idea! He bowed anyway and exhaled in relief when Elle smiled and greeted him too.

 

“How was your coffee?” Jongin asked with a chortle, hoping to create a propitious and friendly atmosphere.

 

“Well, _I_ really liked it,” Elle answered breezily as they both took a seat. “Yours?”

 

“It made me ready for class,” Jongin replied happily. “I'm really eager to learn English and to do well at it, you know? I'd love to become as good as the other members.”

 

“It's good that you have the motivation to do well! I'll definitely help you to the best of my ability. The other members…” Elle got curious. “Are they very good at it already?”

 

“Well, Kris-hyung is definitely the best at it since he’s been speaking it for more than half his life. Junmyeon-hyung is learning quick, and Chanyeol-hyung is even able to write raps in English,” Jongin revealed. At the mention of Chanyeol, Elle could not even stifle her secretive smile but as Jongin was thinking hard, he paid no attention to it. “Ah, yes, Kyungsoo-hyung sounds perfect when he speaks English. Like his accent just doesn't show at all; it's amazing and I don't even know how he does it. And Yixing-hyung is kind of like that too. Also, I think Luhan-hyung sounds good too. Tao is not bad at it either.”

 

“I see. But as long as you're willing to work hard to improve, nothing is impossible. Which I'm sure you know that from your experience better than I do, right?”

 

“Yeah, I really will put in effort and do well,” Jongin nodded, inspired and determined. “Let's begin.”

 

* * *

 

 

“So I think that's all for today. Are you clear about your homework?” Elle inquired at the end of the lesson, mindful of the time and uneager to detain the busy idol for longer than he could afford.

 

“Yup! For once I don't find assignments boring and am actually quite interested in it,” Jongin answered and grinned, as if his enthusiastic response and positive attitude were not sufficiently rewarding for any teacher already. “Thank you so much for your time today. Now I've really got to go,” he added, standing up to bow.

 

“In a hurry?” Elle stood too, but much more laxly, and stretched her arms.

 

“Yeah, it’s time for dance practice,” Jongin explained. “I think Yixing-hyung and Sehun are waiting for me in the studio already.”

 

Elle decided to walk with Jongin as she had to go to one of the conference rooms for a meeting anyway. “You know,” she began. “This really reminds me of when I was younger. The first place is rush to after school is the dance studio.”

 

“Oh? You're a dancer too?” Jongin’s face lit up, and there were few wonders in the world that could compare. He could easily be made happy, and with his smile he had effortlessly made many around him eager to be the one to bring happiness to him.

 

Elle nodded, wearing a faintly proud beam on her face for a moment before a tinge of lifeless sorrow flashed across her eyes. “Well, at least I used to be a dancer,” she confessed. It pained her to think about dancing but she did not want to lie either.

 

“But you're not anymore?” Jongin enquired curiously.

 

“Yeah,” Elle sighed. “I...for some time, I thought that it took up too much of my time and left me with none to give to the people I cared about at the time.” _This is not a lie_ , Elle kept trying to convince herself. _This is merely the beautified version of the ugly, odious truth. But not a lie._

 

“That's a pity. Dancing is so fun. But I guess if you're busy…” Jongin shrugged slightly and smiled at Elle innocently. “Anyway, the studio’s that way,” he pointed. “I better get going. I'll see you next lesson. Thank you! Have a nice day.”

 

Naturally, Elle smiled back and made a turn around the corner then took the staircase to go to the meeting room. On her way, she shuddered, but not because of the cold. Rather, she was once again thinking about how bad a mistake it was that she had given up dancing. Her passion, her hobby, her everything. She had given it all up for a man who was not even worth it, who had damaged and debased her in so many ways, who had deceived her and hurt her so much. She felt so stupid for doing that, for not realizing it sooner and for taking so long to make up her mind to leave him. What was wrong with her? What was she thinking? How could she have been so blind?

 

She shook her head and tried to shake these thoughts away too, needing to concentrate on her work. She could only live in peace as long as her past had not caught up with her.

 

* * *

 

 

**A/n: Thank you for reading! I will be returning very soon with an update. In the meantime, please don’t forget to leave a comment for me! EXO-Ls saranghaja~**


	2. Best Friends

Elle sighed as she watched her best friend Yunji whine. “You promised you’d spend the weekend with me!” Yunji could be such a child at times but she was also a supportive friend that Elle could not do without.

 

“Yes, but we’re not going shopping again. I’m gonna go broke,” Elle pouted, looking around her small studio flat. “Unless it’s your treat. In that case, let’s hit the mall.”

 

“Hold on!” Yunji replied immediately and sat down next to her best friend on the bed, a mischievous smile growing on her face. “We can just go shopping once you get your big fat paycheck.”

 

“Then what do you propose we do today?” Elle asked.

 

“We can go bowling this time, shall we?”

 

* * *

 

 

Half an hour into bowling, Yunji had succumbed to her hunger and had gone to the tuck shop. Elle on the other hand was thirsty too, approaching the vending machine eagerly. She got herself a bottle of vitamin water, figuring there would be no harm in trying the new lemon lime flavor. She crouched to collect it but once she rose to her feet and turned around, she was met by a familiar face. “Jongin?” She blurted in surprise.

 

“Oh! I didn't think I'd see teacher-nim here,” Jongin broke into a smile as he bowed.

 

Elle guffawed. “Outside the classroom you can just call me Elle.”

 

“Elle-noona,” Jongin said happily. “I see that noona still has questionable tastes in beverages.”

 

“I knew I should've consulted you about it first,” Elle joked. “What advice can you offer me, wise master?”

 

“The orange mango flavor is much better. You won't want to try anything else after that,” Jongin recommended, inserting his coins and picking up a bottle of the flavor he so favored. “Here. Try it.”

 

Elle was interested. “Alright, but only if you try what I've bought too,” she replied, handing her bottle to him. “Which I'm guessing you haven't.”

 

“Fair enough,” Jongin shrugged and agreed, quickly opening the cap and drinking from it. After one gulp, he immediately made a face in disapproval.

 

“Is it that bad?” Elle inquired skeptically.

 

“It’s too sour. I prefer something sweet,” Jongin chortled.

 

“Ya! Jongin!”

 

Both of them turned their heads in search of the owner of the voice, only to see a giant walking up to them. _Yes_. It was Park Chanyeol.

 

“We were wondering if you’d lost your way on the dangerous, perilous mission of buying drinks. Turns out you’re just chatting up a pretty girl,” Chanyeol beamed. “Wait…” he hesitated when he got close enough to take a good look at Elle. “You look familiar. Have we met before?”

 

“Quit it, Chanyeol. That pick-up line is already getting old,” Jongin laughed, remaining completely oblivious to Elle’s run-in with Chanyeol right outside the elevator the other day. “Elle-ssi is my English tutor.”

 

“I see! Well, in that case I’m sure Jongin’s English is going to improve rapidly,” Chanyeol chuckled. “Come on, let’s get back to the rest of the gang.”

 

Elle was almost unwilling to let them leave, and a big part of her reluctance had to do with the delight of getting to smell Chanyeol’s cologne again. It smelled so good, yet again the strange sense of familiarity had puzzled her.

 

As soon as Elle too had turned on her heel to return to Yunji, she had stepped on her own shoelaces, unaware that they were undone, and tripped unceremoniously. Yet instead of falling headfirst, her knees had barely swiped across the floor when she was hauled up and practically scooped into someone’s strong arms. She let out a yelp and had not even been able to react when her nose had already told her who her rescuer was. Due to the impact of the sudden movements, the two of them must have spun a couple of times before coming to a halt to allow both of them to regain their balance.

 

“Are you alright?” Chanyeol asked, slowly letting her go. This was the second time he had said these words to her. Did she just have a propensity for clumsiness whenever he was around?

 

Elle was breathless. “Yeah,” she squeaked. “Thanks.” She could feel her cheeks burning up in embarrassment even when she had properly redone her shoelaces and had returned to her bowling lane.

 

“So,” Yunji enquired, smirking as she juggled the sandwiches in her hands and fixing her eyes on her best friend who looked so flustered. “What took you so long?”

 

* * *

 

 

“Why are you so adamant that I cook dinner for both of us?” Yunji whined to Elle from the kitchen at her home, wiping the sweat off her forehead with the back of her hand and then carrying each readied dish from the kitchen counter to the dining table. “I’m exhausted and what I want is a massage.”

 

“Well, we both know I’m only friends with you because you’re the best at cooking,” Elle joked, only lazily glancing up from her phone to look at the sweaty chef. Quickly she had resumed to typing and texting enthusiastically.

 

Yunji put her hands on her hips. “Who are you texting? Who could be more important than helping out with the meal?”

 

“Nobody,” Elle said absentmindedly.

 

“Sure. And then two weeks later you’re gonna come running to me telling me about that hot date you managed to get,” Yunji replied, opening the bottle of soda and pouring a glass for herself to cool down.

 

“That is not at all what’s going to happen,” Elle snorted, again looking up briefly then back to her screen.

 

“Lies,” Yunji shook her head. “I am a prophet. I know all and see all. Just like I’ve predicted, at my birthday party you had a one night s—”

 

Elle’s eyes widened and she almost dropped her phone onto her lap. “You will NOT mention that again!”

 

“Why?! There’s nobody else around. It’s not like there are any secrets between us,” Yunji frowned. “Besides, it’s not shameful to have casual sex. I’m actually really happy you’ve moved on from—”

“You will not mention his name either,” Elle said sternly. She could let Yunji joke about anything, but not her relationship with her ex. It was too damaging for her to withstand any humor placed on it. Gradually, her attention shifted from her text messages to her best friend as she placed her phone down on the table.

 

“Fine. That I can understand. But there’s no reason to be so avoidant of bringing up the hookup,” Yunji insisted, taking her seat opposite to Elle across the table. “Especially given that for the first few days you wouldn’t even shut up about it.”

 

“Yeah, no reason at all, except that it was the best sex of my life and I don’t even know who it was with,” Elle confessed with a sigh.

 

Yunji smirked. “I could go through the guest list for you. I was the one who invited them and each of them simply brought a plus-one.”

 

Elle giggled. “And go like, ‘hey, I was wondering if you or your friend had happened to have hooked up with my bff the other night? No? Wasn’t you? Alright, thanks anyway’.”

 

“I’m gonna get started right away,” Yunji joked, unlocking her phone immediately. But then she had a better idea. The mischievous glint in her eyes should have served as a warning to Elle, but she was still not fast enough to react, and could only look on as Yunji had grabbed her phone right off the table, incredibly curious as to who she had been texting all evening.

 

“Ooh,” she cooed singsong. “You’re doing this right. You have the chance to be the tutor to one of the most attractive men in South Korea and you sure did not waste this opportunity. I very much approve!”

 

“Give it back,” Elle hissed, deftly grabbing her phone back. “This is strictly professional.”

 

“Right, sure, of course it is. It’s so professional that he sends you emojis and stickers and calls you ‘noona’ rather than ‘teacher-nim’,” Yunji grinned.

 

Elle rolled her eyes. “It’s nothing. We’re texting because that’s part of the homework: every day he’ll pick 3 to 5 new words he’s learned and explain what each word means, to expand his vocabulary. I’m actually thinking about recommending an English drama to him. I want to use it to boost his listening skills, partly because that’s how I learned and because it worked so well with Korean dramas too.”

 

“Alright, if you say so,” Yunji shrugged and giggled. “Let’s eat!”

 

* * *

 

 

As winter progressed, days grew shorter and nights grew longer. Similarly, the winds became colder and the drinks became warmer. Elle had stuck to her favorite order of a half-caf extra hot large hazelnut macchiato with soy, whereas Jongin was quite satisfied with his ordinary cappuccinos. Neither of them had dared try the new vitamin water flavor again. A couple more lessons had passed between them, both of them very pleased with the progress they were making. Elle was particularly impressed by Jongin’s commitment.

 

“It’s great to see that you’re constantly finding different ways to learn English from lots of things you do in your daily life even when it seems mundane,” she said heartily at the end of the lesson. “With this healthy attitude you’ll go a long way.”

 

“Thank you! I don’t want to disappoint you,” he replied, smiling proudly.

 

“Not at all; I think you’re doing great,” she grinned.

 

“I still have a long way to go. I’ll need a lot of your help,” he added.

 

“That’s what I’m here for,” she said happily. “Is it time for you to go?”

 

“Yeah, dance practice as usual,” he nodded.

 

“Ah, that’s good. I miss dancing,” she replied.

 

“Oh right! You used to be a dancer too; I remember you telling me that. But why don’t you dance anymore?” He asked. He had not meant to pry, but dancing was his passion and he would not give it up for anything in the world.

 

“Well, it’s...it’s complicated,” she shrugged as if it was no big deal, but it was. Her heart ached whenever she thought about how much she had given up for a man she thought was good for her. She had been so stupid, so foolish, so blind too. She just could not believe that her past self had ever thought that it would be alright to make all these sacrifices. And look at what she got in return...

 

Seeing as she was biting her lip and looking a bit uneasy, he just nodded quietly and decided not to press on with this topic.

 

“It’s fine. I’ll see you next lesson then,” he said appreciatively. “Thanks.” He then casually checked his phone for the time, but when his lock screen lit up to show the picture of him with his dogs, it drew her attention.

 

“That’s so cute,” she gushed. “Are those your dogs?”

 

“That’s right! This is Monggu, this is Jjanggu, and this is Jjangah,” he pointed at each dog and explained. “They’re so precious.”

 

“I’m so envious of you,” she sighed. “I used to have a dog too. But she passed away a year ago.” Eyeing the date on the lock screen of his phone, she gasped and covered her mouth with her hand. “Oh my goodness. Today…” she shivered as she spoke and it was definitely not because of the cold. “It’s exactly one year since she passed…”

 

“Oh, I’m so sorry for your loss,” he said solemnly, shuddering and not wanting to imagine having to lose any of his babies. “And you haven’t had any new pets since then?”

 

“No, and it hasn’t been that long since I’ve moved to Seoul,” she replied sadly. “I'm sorry, I didn't mean to bring down the mood or overshare.”

 

“No, no, it's quite alright,” he said in reassurance. “Although I should probably go.”

 

She sniffled and nodded. “Yes, of course. I'll see you next time.”

 

As soon as Jongin had left the classroom, Elle too returned to her office and was about to plug the charger into her phone. But that was when the device vibrated to denote a new notification. She opened it to find that it was from an unknown number but the contents of the text had given her a big shock and even frightened her so much that it had given her chills. It had attached a picture of her with her ex-fiancé and their dog. The text read: “I miss her so much, and I miss you too. The bad news is that I can't get her back, but the good news is that I can get you back.”

 

Elle was trembling and had to take a seat. Breathing became slightly difficult for her and her palms were sweating so much that she could hardly hold her phone in her hands and had to put it down. She had moved to Seoul to get away from him and she thought that she could completely cut off contact with him. For months she had not heard from him at all, which made her think she was safe and was free to start a new life here, but now it seemed like she just could not escape him. That feeling alone was sufficiently chilling and suffocating.

 


	3. Recovery

A few days had passed and fortunately Elle was able to get over the creepy text she had received. She had blocked the number and Yunji had consoled her over this. For now Elle was fine but from time to time she would still be distrait and zone out. Although this did not happen when she was in class with Jongin or with other students, it still posed an inconvenience to her, like right now.

 

As she had just finished a day of work, she collapsed into her bed once she got home and slept for a few hours. When she woke from her nap, however, she learned that her phone battery had dropped to 10% yet her charger was nowhere to be found. Soon she realized that she must have left it at her office. Today was a particularly cold day but still she had to drive to her office to collect it. And by the time she arrived, her battery was already at 2%. She did not even have the patience to wait for the elevator, and resorted to taking the stairs instead, running up the staircase several steps at a time. She only paused and panted when she ran into several boys, all of them tall and handsome but, well, she would not have expected any less. She did a double take and paused, allowing her battery to fall to 1% _only_ because it was EXO’s rap line she had encountered. Although Chanyeol was not the tallest, he was the one Elle was most sensitive to, having run into him a couple of times already and of course, by his scent. She spared a glance at him and had even inadvertently made eye contact for a moment, but she also had no problem tearing her gaze away and continuing to run back to her office which had never felt so far away.

 

* * *

 

 

Elle’s bad luck did not end there. For the rest of the week she was more or less bedridden as she had fallen ill. She even found it difficult to get out of bed, let alone leave her house. Therefore it was up to Yunji come over each day to cook for her and look after her.

 

“Thank you so much, Yunji,” Elle said weakly, downing her meds with a glass of warm water. “I will take you shopping once I recover and it’s going to be my treat.”

 

“Aww, yay!” Yunji gushed. “But honestly, no problem. I know you would take care of me too if our positions were reversed.”

 

Elle was of course unable to go to work and therefore had missed all of her classes. In particular, she found it a pity that she had missed the chance to see Jongin. He was so sweet and caring when he learned that he had fallen sick, frequently asking after her through his texts. Another class of younger teenager trainees that she had also played a role in cheering her up by recording a short video of them practicing their English and sending it to her. She felt much warmer in spite of her condition and the dreary weather.

 

Once she was healthy enough to go back to work, she was elated that she could meet Jongin again. She smiled to herself, glad that it was doubtlessly a good thing that she enjoyed her new job, but wasn't she being a bit silly for liking Jongin so much?

 

Anyway, she was thankful to him for making her smile when she was ill and weak. (And of course Yunji had teased her to no end about it, but he did make her happy, and she did not wish to hide that.) It was more than a student being a teacher’s favorite. Rather, it was because she liked him as a person. Jongin was special for the person that he was, not just because he was an idol. He was himself around her and he did not pretend to be anybody else. It was inviting and tempting her to be herself around him too and that was a nice feeling because it made her feel at ease. She could not remember the last time she felt this way around a man, because for too long she had attached herself to a man who had made her forget what it meant to be herself and had manipulated her into existing solely for him rather than living for herself.

 

So when Jongin walked into the classroom, an winsome smile grew on Elle’s face. It even made him pause at the door and stare for a moment as he came face to face with such a comely girl. The warmth was coming from her long-lost mirth; it was so uplifting.

 

“Ah, it makes me so glad to see that teacher-nim has recovered,” he grinned and greeted her. “I got this for you, actually,” he announced, and held out a bouquet that he had been hiding behind his back.

 

She gasped. “Oh my goodness — they're so pretty!” She stepped forward to accept it. “Oh wow. Thank you so much; that's so sweet of you.”

 

He chuckled cutely. “As long as you're happy too!”

 

“How did you know that azaleas were my favorite?” She grinned heartily.

 

“I didn't know! I just thought they were pretty — just like you,” he replied, laughing. “Have you ever been to the royal azalea festival in Sobaeksan before?”

 

“Not yet, but now I'm interested. Ah, this puts me in such a good mood. Thanks, Jongin,” she replied happily. “Ready for the lesson?”

 

He beamed confidently. “As always, teacher-nim!”

 

* * *

 

 

After class, Jongin stood up and smiled. “I don't want you to be sad when I say that it's time for me to go to dance practice. But you know what, today Sehun and Yixing won't be with me so I have the studio to myself. So...why don't you come with me? Pick up dancing again? I promise it'll be fun.”

 

Elle stifled a sigh. “Yeah, I'm sure it's gonna be fun, but...I don’t think I’m ready to do it again. I’m sorry. For too long I’ve been brainwashed into thinking that it’s not what I should be doing. It’s only recently that I’ve begun to unlearn some things and relearn some too. And with dancing, I don’t think I’m quite there yet.”

 

Jongin nodded slowly. “That’s alright. Take your time; I suppose there’s no rush.”

 

“I was once really passionate about dancing too, just like you,” Elle admitted.

 

“Then...what changed?”

 

“Then I made some bad decisions. I was under some really bad influence and the worst thing of it all is that for the longest time I thought he was good for me,” she explained remorsefully.

 

“‘He’?”

 

“Just someone from my past,” she said mysteriously. “Someone that I’m relieved and happy to be rid of.”

 

“I see,” he replied quietly. “Well, um, if and when you think you feel ready again...will you come to me?”

 

She looked up at him and saw how earnest his gaze was. In his eyes she saw hope and even a sense of security, which felt almost foreign to her as she was too accustomed to looking into _somebody else’s_ eyes and feel like all she had ever known was insincerity and threats and despair, like a chill in the air even in the hottest of summers. It formed such a striking contrast with the look in Jongin’s eyes, a look that bore trust and optimism and energy, so much like the first ray of sunshine to crack the dawn and melt away the darkness of the long night. He was the light at the end of the tunnel, restoring faith and confidence as the rosy morning arrived.

 

“Yes,” she answered resolutely. “I’ll let you know when I eventually get there.”

 

* * *

 

 

Later that day in the evening, when Elle had finished the work she had planned for today and it was a few minutes till she could leave the office, she had an unexpected visitor.

 

“Chanyeol-ssi?” Elle was surprised, pleasantly. “What brings you here?”

 

“Teacher-nim,” he smiled. “Do you have a moment? I have a small favor to ask. It’s about English and I wasn’t sure who else I could turn to. I thought about you because Jongin has told us that his English tutor is really nice and he always enjoys his lessons with you.”

 

Elle smiled too. “Of course. Please, have a seat first,” she offered, motioning at the chair opposite to her. “How may I help?”

 

Chanyeol sat down and began to explain. “You see, the last time we ran into each other…”

 

“Ah, at the bowling center?”

 

“No, it was at night and you were in a hurry…”

 

“Oh!” Elle laughed lightly as she recalled what Chanyeol was talking about. “Right. What about it?”

 

“That night, I was actually having a late night studio recording session with the other rap line members. We were about to leave and go back to our dorm when we saw you rushing. It was so unexpected, but this brief encounter with you had somehow...yeah, I can’t really explain it either, but it’s inspired me to write a rap verse,” he chuckled. “And a lot of it is in English. I’ve never attempted it before; I would be thankful if you could take a look at it for me and see if there are any mistakes?” He requested, handing a sheet of paper to her.

 

“Yes, sure, I can do that,” she nodded, scanning the sheet and smiling at his handwriting. Now that he was close enough to her, she could smell his cologne again, and it was heaven.

 

“If my handwriting is too ugly and is not legible, just tell me,” he added cutely. He might be a giant but he was an adorable baby. “The song is called ‘Masquerade’, by the way.”

 

Elle smiled in reply but then stiffened for a moment. Masquerade...literally, it meant something to her because the last time she really let loose and have fun was at a masquerade party to celebrate Yunji’s birthday. She so often recalled that she had a one night stand with one of the guests at that masquerade party, and could not get it out of her head because she kept lamenting that she did not know who the guy was. So now with this experience in mind, as she read through Chanyeol’s lyrics she was taken aback by how real it felt and how accurately it described her own feelings: the irreplaceable thrill of meeting a beautiful stranger, the euphemistic references to the culmination of sizzling attraction, and the remarkable exhilaration that lingered even after the ‘climax’ of the encounter had subsided. Wow. Was it just her or was it getting hotter in the room? Either way, she decided to tie her hair into a bun as she was sweating. She also turned around to adjust the a/c, which allowed Chanyeol to see the tattoo on her neck under her ear. It made him gasp in surprise but she was too absorbed in her own thoughts to take note of his reaction.

 

With his jaw hanging open, Chanyeol thought about the implications of what he had just seen. That tattoo was unforgettable to him. It was the only reminder of someone he had once been intimate with but thought that he would never see again as he did not even know who she was. Could it really just be a coincidence?

 

Elle cleared her throat. “I think it looks fine,” she said, returning the sheet to Chanyeol who had recomposed himself quickly. “I like the puns too. Well done, especially if this is the first time you’re trying to compose lyrics in English.”

 

“Oh,” Chanyeol spluttered a little. “Thank you.”

 

“Just be careful with the couplet at the end. This word is pronounced as ‘suite’, the same as ‘sweet’, not ‘suit’. So you may need to make a few changes if you want to keep the rhyme scheme,” Elle added and seemed to have recovered from her mind-boggling deductions quicker than Chanyeol did.

 

“Ah, I see,” he replied. “Thanks again for your help, teacher-nim. I know what to do now.” He then stood up, but before he could leave, his curiosity had compelled him to do something that he might even later regret, but he was not thinking rationally at the moment. In a daze, he turned back to her and, with his heart beating fast, asked, “this may seem odd but, I was just wondering, would you happen to be acquainted with anybody by the name of Jeong Gyeongjin?”

 

Elle froze and could only give him a blank stare for a prolonged moment. “I...I do happen to have a friend who’s friends with a guy of that same name,” she answered gingerly. “Mind if I ask why?”

 

Chanyeol blinked and looked even more shocked. “Uh...it’s nothing. It’s just that I, um, I know someone by that name too, and he sort of inspired me to write this too. But I’m sure it’s just a coincidence. I mean, it’s such a popular name, isn’t it? Everybody knows a Gyeongjin,” he babbled, running his mouth and spouting random bullshit out of nowhere as he was panicking.

 

“Err, sure, yeah, I suppose so,” Elle nodded awkwardly.

 

Chanyeol bowed politely and took his leave. Befuddled yet fascinated, Elle picked up her phone and tapped on the chat message with her best friend.

 

Yunji: (emoji) (emoji)

Elle: _typing..._

Elle: Yunji, quick question. Your friend Gyeongjin — was he at your masquerade party last time?

Yunji: _typing…_

Yunji: _typing…_

Yunji: _typing…_

 

“Ugh, hurry up,” Elle uttered under her breath impatiently. “It’s just a simple question. Yes or no.”

 

Yunji: _typing…_

Yunji: lol yeah. Of course he was there. The whole point of throwing a party was not to celebrate my birthday but to create an excuse for me to hit on him. You know I’ve had a crush on him since forever. Why?

 


	4. Comes The Dawn

Sometimes, Yunji could be trusted to take care of Elle. Other times, Yunji was the one who needed to be looked after and Elle was fully ready to do that for her best friend. This time it was the latter.

 

It was pushing two in the morning, and the two of them were in one of the busiest bars in town. Elle had had a couple daiquiris, nothing too overwhelming, but Yunji was downing shot after shot. So bad, no one could stop her.

 

“Okay. That's it. That's enough,” Elle said sternly. “You will _not_ be drinking any more.”

 

“But I—”

 

“And I seriously don't think your scheme is gonna work.” Elle shushed her inebriated friend and continued. “Deliberately getting drunk so you can drunk-text your crush and get him to drive you home? First of all, he might not even be available. Secondly, he's not obligated to do this favor for you. Besides, did he even reply and say that he's on his way?”

 

“If he cares enough about me, if I mean anything to him at all, he’ll come!” Yunji raised her voice but luckily it was also noisy in the bar so it did not draw attention. “He’ll come to my rescue! He’ll be my prince on a white horse! My knight in shining armor!”

 

She was adamant but Elle just shook her head. “Look, I know it's the weekend, and you've had a stressful week, but you've had too much already. I don't want you to—”

 

Too late. Yunji had vomited into her own handbag, making Elle shut her eyes and sigh. Playing the role of a supportive friend, she held Yunji’s hair as she vomited. With her free hand, Elle reached for a napkin and also signaled for the waiter to serve a cup of warm water.

 

As soon as Yunji had cleaned up, Elle announced, “come on then. Let's get you home. Hope it won't be too hard to hail a taxi.”

 

“A taxi?! Are you out of your mind?!” Yunji began to laugh hysterically. “Why should I take a taxi when I have my very own Jeong Gyeongjin to take me home?”

 

Eventually Elle had decided that it would just be a waste of time to even try to convince Yunji that she would have to get home without relying on a guy who would never be here for her. She also figured it would be more effective to just haul Yunji out to the taxi stand. A few minutes later she had managed to talk Yunji into getting into the vehicle, but of course things could never go too smoothly for her.

 

“Aren't you coming home with me?” Yunji whined, tugging at her best friend’s arm and refusing to let go.

 

“Yunji, my place is in the opposite direction. It's going to cost a fortune if we swing by your place first then drive back to mine,” Elle explained patiently while searching for cash, needing to pay the driver first, as obviously Yunji was too inebriated to and it would be the worst idea in the world to try to access her purse that was covered in her own vomit. But Elle began to panic when she found that she was out of cash; it just would not suffice.

 

“Elle-noona? Is that you?”

 

Elle turned around to locate the owner of the voice. “Jongin?” She gasped. “How in the world are you here?”

 

“I'll explain later. I'm guessing you and your friend are in need of this?” Jongin pulled some cash out of his pockets and handed it to Elle.

 

“Oh, yes, that's perfect,” Elle practically exclaimed in relief, handing all the cash to the driver. Carefully untangling herself from Yunji who was already half asleep now and looking on as the taxi rounded a corner and gradually went out of sight, she turned back to Jongin and ran her fingers through her hair. “Thanks so much, Jongin. You're a lifesaver.”

 

“Nah, don't worry about it,” he waved it off and smiled. “I was just out to buy some snacks,” he added, patting his tummy. That was so cute and he seemed to shrink in that boring hoodie he was wearing, meant to make him blend into the unsuspecting crowds but here and now it just made him more adorable.

 

“Speaking of that, I actually want a midnight snack too,” she replied. “It’s going to make me fat, but I don’t care.”

 

“Neither do I,” he said breezily.

 

“Great! Let's go to the corner shop, shall we?”

 

* * *

 

With their hands full of snacks and beer, Elle and Jongin had decided to sneak to a nearby park. They spent the next couple of hours eating and drinking, chatting and telling jokes, forgetting that they were an idol and almost a fan, a student and a teacher. Rather, they were just a boy and just a girl finding joy in each other’s company as they shared anecdotes.

 

“I used to keep a diary too,” Elle admitted amidst laughter. “But I stopped after mine got stolen by a classmate in middle school. After that, I just couldn't write my secrets down on paper anymore.”

 

“But what do you do about your feelings and all that?” Jongin asked.

 

Elle shrugged. “Had to find other ways to express them. Like...dancing, actually. Yeah, that really helped.” Now that she had had a bit of alcohol, she was less inhibited and more willing to talk about the things that she normally would have wanted to avoid bringing up in conversation.

 

“Dancing is almost always therapeutic,” Jongin agreed. “Oh! By the way! I've got to show you this.” He pulled out his phone and unlocked it to show her a video. “This is a clip of me and my niece dancing together. She's so cute; you've got to see it.”

 

“Aye, she's good! Almost better than you, given how young she is!” Elle commented afterward.

 

“I can't disagree. Rahee may be young but she is better than me at a lot of things, perhaps even English,” Jongin chuckled lightly.

 

“I do envy her, you know,” Elle confessed, sighing. “She can do whatever she wants and no man is ever going to stop her or hinder her in the name of love.”

 

“Has that happened to you before?” Jongin inquired.

 

Elle nodded ruefully. “You know,” she said, licking her lips. “I'm going to come clean to you about this. I'll tell you all of it, all about why I've stopped dancing.”

 

“Only if you're ready,” he reminded softly.

 

“I am. I trust you and I want to tell you all about it. You might not get why I made those decisions and frankly I don't either, but I'm sure you will understand the love and passion I once had for dancing,” she stated.

 

“Yes, of course. I'll try my best to understand,” he said supportively.

 

She began. “10 years ago, when I first attended high school, I had only just moved to a town that I was very unfamiliar with, and I had a hard time because I felt like I didn’t belong there. I was lonely, and at the same time my parents were going through a divorce, and my grandmother passed away...it's like no one cared about me. And on top of that I also struggled a lot with my insecurities. So it was a really tough time for me, having so much to deal with and I was so young at the time. But when I met this guy, Marvin, h-he’s...tall, and gorgeous, and on the football team, I fell for him right away. It was just too easy. I was going through a rough patch, and he provided the company and solace and support that I needed, he gave me a sense of purpose and direction in my life, helped me find my place there, and made me feel _validated_ because such an attractive guy was interested in me, cared about me and found me desirable. But then...people change. Things change. All through high school, I only focused on him. Sure I had my dance practices and he had his football training, but he was still the center of my world and I revolved around him as if he were the sun. I was committed to our relationship and I really did put him first because I loved him so much. Or at least I thought I did, but this stopped being the case as soon as we graduated and went to different universities. We still maintained our relationship, but it became increasingly difficult due to our clashing timetables. We've had to give up so much in order to keep the relationship going, and that wasn't healthy. I had missed all the warning signs and it wasn't until he wanted me to give up practically all my hobbies to make time for him: cooking, cycling, reading...and most importantly, dancing.”

 

“I’m sorry you had to go through that,” he replied, having listened patiently and attentively. “I didn’t know that you had been through so much of that crap and that’s why dancing has become a delicate subject for you. If I’ve made you upset by bringing it up in the first place — and several times too — I apologize.”

 

“No, no, it’s fine. You had no idea,” she shook her head. “Even though it’s a sensitive topic for me, I’m glad you brought it up. It’s...sort of sobering for me. Indirectly, it reminds me to refocus and rethink my priorities. Because back then, I had already lost a big part of who I was when I had stopped making time for myself and the activities that I enjoyed on my own without having anything to do with his likes and dislikes. But by the time I realized that this was wrong, it was too late. I didn't know who I was anymore, and what did I do whenever I felt lost? I clung to him and relied on him to tell me what to do. It wasn't guidance anymore; he was downright controlling me, but of course at the time it was opaque to me. He told me to do all the things and leave all my time to him, so I did. Heck, at that point, if he told me to throw myself in front of a speeding truck for him, I'd probably do it too. I know, I was so stupid, right?” She sniffled.

 

“At least now you’re rid of him,” he said softly.

 

She shuddered at the haunting thought of the text message about their dog that she had received last week. Was she really rid of him? For real? For certain?

 

“I don’t know,” she confessed. “He’s been dominating my life for so long that he still haunts me in some ways. I hate it, but when I make certain decisions, like even when I buy a pair of shoes, there’s a voice at the back of my mind going, ‘would Marvin like to see me wearing these?’ and I’m so frustrated. Like, who gives a fuck what he thinks? He’s no longer a part of my life. Or at least, I’m doing my best to keep him out of it. It was too awful when he had me wrapped around his finger. He kept telling me that he was getting me to do all these destructive things because he loved me, because he really needed me to be constantly around him...and I fell for it because I saw it as a form of validation. I felt wanted. So I did it for him even though I felt so lonely and useless when I didn't get to dance. At some point I tried to return to dancing; I figured it wouldn't hurt. Even if I had to cut an hour of sleep or only eat a sandwich during my classes, I could make time for the things I truly love. But once he found out about it, he freaked out and I discovered that he could not accept that I wasn't doing as he told me to. I had explained to him over and over again why I needed dancing to be a part of my life, and I felt so miserable without it, and I screamed at him, but he silenced me. He threatened me and sabotaged all my efforts. I had some other friends; they helped me but one by one he cut them off from me as well. He went out of his way to isolate me so that I had no choice but to further rely on him. By the time I graduated I realized that I had no one but him. Truly, no one. No family I could really trust. Yunji was the only one who didn't give up on me but she lived too far away from me at the time. It was only Marvin. He really was my whole world even if I didn't want that to be the case. And he had the singular ability of twisting every reality for me and use it to his own advantage, to keep me by his side. He used to say that everybody had abandoned me and turned their backs on me, but he stayed and he would never leave me all alone. It sounded so loving and so reassuring, didn't it?”

 

“He deceived you,” Jongin said sharply, growing more responsive as Elle explained to him the injustices she had faced. “He was a jerk to you and you deserve so much better than that.”

 

“I see it now, how toxic it was. All of it was a ruse so he could continue to manipulate me. I had no life outside of him. I didn't know how to do the things I used to do, used to love anymore. I was his puppet and I could only move if he allowed it and made it happen. I hated living like that and I was never unhappier. I needed so badly to do something meaningful with my life. So, I happened to be lucky enough to stumble upon something that he approved of — his approval and validation was practically all that I was living for, and it sucks.”

 

“But now, you’re living for yourself instead.”

 

“Thank goodness I am,” she sighed. “And thank goodness I got into volunteering. I visited this elderly home every weekend and I actually became friends with this old lady, Mrs Shane. She was very lonely as well. Had no one to talk to. Maybe it was because of this that we clicked instantly and we could talk for hours. She shared her wisdom with me and as she learned about my troubled relationship with Marvin, she helped me find myself again. She had illuminated me and made me realize the need to get back on my own two feet. I already knew that I would be better off on my own than stuck with Marvin, and she was the one who convinced me that I _can_ break away from him and pave my own path and create a future for myself. So I did it. I made plans to get away from him, did my research and all that...of course I had to keep it a secret from Marvin. That was incredibly stressful; it felt like trying to break out of jail or from a concentration camp. But being suffocated by his hold on me was really some kind of prison. But I still did it; I still managed to keep him oblivious. I had to be so careful and there were a few instances in which I thought he would for sure find out about what I was doing behind his back, but it was like even life wanted me to separate from him — I got lucky and got away with it. I was so ready to leave, my heart was set on leaving, but there was only one thing missing: I didn’t have enough money to move to somewhere I could be comfortable with and he would least likely be able to track me down. And that was when Mrs Shane helped me again...although that would be the final time. She passed away, and it was only then that I found out that she was actually really wealthy. She was a widow, and her only family — her kids — had severed ties with her, and so she decided to leave a huge portion of her inheritance to me to thank me for being her only company in what we now know to be the final year of her life — and to do what she had all along advised me to do: untangle myself from the toxic people around me and build a brand new life elsewhere. Seriously, I was so shocked when her lawyer had contacted me to inform me of this. It broke my heart when she passed away because she and I grew really close and I never thought it would be possible for me to be close with anybody after Marvin had done all that he could to distance me from the friends I used to have. It was actually because I didn’t think I would be able to meet anybody else and build long term relationships with them with Marvin in the way that I had even agreed to marry him. When he proposed to me, I felt no joy. I just thought that he was the only one I could possibly spend the rest of my life with. I saw no other option, so I accepted, because I was scared that it might be worse to be on my own, and also because I knew he wouldn’t have it any other way. I didn’t want to marry him. I didn’t want to be with him or around him or anywhere near him.”

 

“But Mrs Shane’s passing had galvanized you to make the best of your own life, right?”

 

She nodded. “And I will always be grateful to her for that. I figured that the best way to repay her was to make her proud and spend that money wisely. So I accepted it and I went with my plan. I quit my job, left the city, and flew to Seoul. I wouldn’t have been able to do it without her aid — more than just financially — as well as Yunji’s assistance. And now...here I am.”

 

As she retold these events, Jongin noticed that she had tears in her eyes. The street lamps surrounding the park offered only dim lighting, but still her eyes shone, in relief that she was finally living her own life. She dabbed at her eyes and uttered an apology under her breath.

 

“And now here you are,” said Jongin proudly, draping an arm over her shoulder to comfort her. “You made it. You’ve become stronger, more independent, and living the life you want.”

 

She took a deep breath. “I’ve made so many foolish decisions and I’ve wasted so much time. But yeah, I’m finally where I want to be. I just need some time to revisit my hobbies. And I will get there. I will. Just you wait and see.”

 

“I agree; you will. It’ll come naturally to you, so don’t stress,” he replied mirthfully. “But I just sort of think, if you’ve done so much for the one who wasn’t right for you...can you imagine how much you’ll do for the right one when they come along?”

 

She smiled a little, finally. “A hell lot, I’ll say. But I don’t know. I’m not focused on finding the right one. I just want to find myself. Connect with people. Do what I love. Do what I want. If I want to customize my coffee order, I will. Shamelessly. If I want to buy a pair of shoes in a color that my ex absolutely loathes, I’ll go ahead with that as well. Just because I can. If I want to stay up all night to eat and drink and pour my heart out to someone I wasn’t expecting to find a confidant in, I’ll do that too. And I’ll have a hell of a great time doing it.”

 

He grinned too. “Aren’t you just too cute?”

 

“Yeah, says the cute one.” The smile on her face grew as her tears dried too, and she rested her head on his shoulder. Neither of them had to take a moment to think if this felt right, because it already did.

 

“You know, I’m actually really glad you told me all this,” he admitted. “It makes me feel happy and warm that you trust me enough to let me in. So yeah, I’m honored. And we talk a lot through text, but to actually get to connect with you like this, face-to-face and in person...I realize I don’t get to do that with a lot of people either. Excluding the other members, that is.”

 

“So, I’m special to you now?” She asked lightheartedly, looking up at him.

 

“‘Now’? No, I think it was even before that,” he answered honestly. “And then more and more as we got to know each other.”

 

“Ah,” she beamed contently. “You’re special to me too, Jongin.”

 

“I am?”

 

“Yeah. I think you really impressed me. First of all I didn’t think any idol would be that genial. You don’t walk around with your nose in the air and it’s hard to not like you when you’re humble. And then, it’s got to be your attitude and commitment toward learning. Not once do you fail to do your best, and I think that’s laudable. And on top of that, you’re really fun to talk to. Well, I mean I never shut up but you don’t lose your patience or get bored because of me…” she laughed. Then it hit her. She liked him for the celebrity that he was, for the student that he was, and for the friend that he was. But if he were just an unattainable celeb, if he were strictly an assiduous pupil, if he were merely an attentive confidant...why did she find herself shifting closer to him and staring at his lips rather than holding his soft, affectionate gaze?

 

“No, I would never be bored or tired of you,” he said tenderly, letting her scoot toward him. Momentarily conscious of what he was doing, he wondered how he got here. Not ‘here’ as in how a pursuit of a midnight snack had ended up turning into a late night chat, but ‘here’ as in getting the chance to be in conversation with such an amazing girl, and getting to share her warmth. Frankly, he was in awe of her, her strength and her independence and her growth. He genuinely wanted her to be happy, to do whatever she wanted to do, and pick up her hobbies again. He wanted to see her find herself, see her dance, see her smile, and share that joy.

 

“Maybe if I still kept a diary I would be scribbling away in it right now instead of ranting to you,” she replied with a giggle, pulling back a little as she felt the tension thicken and intensify. It was a feeling that she was not accustomed to, but she did not reject or resist it, because the rapport between the two of them had offered sufficient reassurance and security to her to make her feel safe rather than vulnerable in pouring out her heart to him.

 

“Ah, but that’s nowhere as fun as confiding in me,” he smiled, boldly deciding to hold her hand because he longed for that connection, and it seemed she was equally in want of it as she did not let go. “I can be your diary! You can talk to me anytime you want and tell me anything you feel like sharing.”

 

“Whoa, so you can know all my secrets?” She joked, but also discovered that the tension had never quite diffused. It lingered, as if forming an invisible bubble to surround them and only them. It was delicate, tentative, but untainted. Without shrinking or suffocating them it was a force that nudged and pushed both of them closer to each other, ushering them to lean in.

 

He grinned heartily, yet also slightly nervously. “Or maybe...I just want to know the way to your heart.”

 

In return her smile was carefree and sweet, winsome and warm. Their hearts were beating fast, but time slowed down and came to a still. There was no hesitation when they leaned in to press their lips together. No doubts, no qualms...only the two of them, and one kiss after another to taste the culmination of all the laughter they had shared and all the trust that had grown between them.

 

Behind them, on the horizon, the sun was rising, generously shining upon them in approval of their growing feelings for each other, and offering them a beacon of hope.


	5. I Will Catch You If You Fall

It was not characteristic of Elle to only go to sleep at sunup and wake up at sundown, but given what she had stayed up late for, it was completely worth it. In high spirits, she went to Yunji’s place for dinner and the whole time she could not stop thinking about her kiss with Jongin.

“Tonight, we are going ice skating,” Yunji stated with such strong determination that if she were a righteous politician she would surely lead the country to greatness.

Elle had agreed because she was in too good a mood to object. She knew what diabolical plan Yunji was devising without her having to say it aloud. Yunji was crap at ice skating but she still insisted upon it because she could use this visit to see the owner of the ice skating rink who happened to be her crush, Gyeongjin. Therefore the two girls had arrived just as the arena was going to close for the day.

Not expecting any more customers, Gyeongjin remained in the small staff lounge. His employees had gone home but he was not alone as he was going to stay behind and wait for a friend to pay him a visit even though that friend was Chanyeol, not Yunji, unfortunately.

After attending tiring rehearsals, Chanyeol had could finally meet up with Gyeongjin. The two boys chatted about work, and sports, and their families, and girls. “And on that note,” said Gyeongjin seriously. “I need to ask you for some relationship advice.”

Chanyeol snorted. “I’m sure I’m the last person you should be consulting.”

“No, I think you’re the one who has the clearest idea about the status quo,” Gyeongjin insisted.

“Well, alright then,” the tall rapper agreed, crossing his legs. “Is it still the same girl you told me about last month?”

At the same time, Yunji was about to waltz right into the lounge in pursuit of Gyeongjin, but upon hearing another guy’s voice, she stopped right at the door and stood behind it, wondering if she should barge right in to announce herself or stay and eavesdrop. But what she had overheard had made the decision for her.

“It’s always been her,” Gyeongjin replied lovingly. “I’m pretty sure she likes me too but then the only reason why we’re still ‘just friends’ for so long is because I don’t have the guts to tell her how I really feel. I know, I know. I missed my best shot at the party last time. Not everyone is as fortunate and confident as you, Yeollie,” he huffed lightheartedly. “Dammit, I should’ve told her I liked her.”

At this point Yunji had completely ignored Elle’s gesticulations. Out of impulse, she had burst into the room, and Elle could only grasp at the air in a futile attempt to stop her rash friend.

“We’re closed for today!” Gyeongjin announced automatically, routinely assuming that anybody who could be here at this hour of the day must be a customer who clearly did not see the notice board at the entrance that had listed out the opening hours. But he lost his voice as soon as he discovered that the girl he had been talking about to Chanyeol was standing right in front of him right now, and he could not believe his eyes. Elle had to apologetically rush into the room as well to try to hold Yunji back, but she, too, froze, when she came face to face with Chanyeol. Her heart skipped a beat, just like a couple of weeks ago at the bowling center when she tripped on her shoelaces and he caught her.

“Really, Jeong Gyeongjin?!” Yunji bellowed, tears falling faster than bowling pins. “All this time? You liked somebody else?” Out of control and overtaken by her emotions, she had stormed out of room, aiming all the way for the exit of the building.

“Shit,” Gyeongjin cursed loudly and scrambled right after her, leaving Elle and Chanyeol alone, somehow awkward in each other’s presence.

Chanyeol was the one to pipe up first after rising to his feet and clearing his throat. “Teacher-nim,” he said, giving her an easy smile. “I didn’t expect to see you here.”

“Me neither,” she replied, cutely scratching the back of her neck, which had reminded Chanyeol of the tattoo on her neck that he saw last time they talked. He gulped and licked his lips, more eager than ever to find out if she was really the girl he had had the most passionate of encounters with.

“So…I’m guessing that was the Gyeongjin that you had mentioned to me last time we met?” Elle added, pointing in the direction of the door as if it could magically stop her from blushing.

“Ah…” Chanyeol cleared his throat again. “Yes, yes indeed. What a coincidence that we have a mutual acquaintance.” He laughed, but at himself for being so flustered around her. He did not _have_ to be this way, so why was he like that? Was it because of the past he was suspecting they had shared when neither of them knew each other’s identity? Was it because he was still in shock that she was one of the tutors at SM? Either way, he had to remind himself that he did not even know her that well, so he needed to pull himself together.

“Well, it looks like they might not be returning that soon, and I didn’t come here for nothing, so…you won’t mind if I actually grab a pair of skates, right?” Elle chuckled.

“Oh, no, not at all. I was thinking the same thing, actually,” he replied, approaching the shelf but he was doing it without thought; it was like his legs were calling the shots instead. And why did he say that just now anyway? He was not thinking the same thing. But now it was too late and he already found himself gliding in the rink gracefully, soothed and reenergized by the coolness.

“Whoa, Chanyeol-ssi! How are you so good at this?” Elle exclaimed, eagerly approaching from the other side of the rink. She herself was more of a novice, and it was so inspiring to see him pulling all these cool moves. “Is there anything you can’t do?”

“Aha! Yes, I’m amazing, I know,” Chanyeol giggled, his proud smile warming up the arena. “I can teach you, if you want. It’s not too complicated.”

 _He’s practically flawless. No wonder he’s dubbed ‘the nation’s boyfriend’_ , thought Elle to herself. “Yeah, sure, I’d love to!” She said aloud. She began to make her way over to him, but she was waddling too impatiently, and not only did that make her look silly, it also made her lose her balance. She tried to regain it but definitely failed as it had only made her accelerate. She was about to crash right into him, letting out a strangled yelp to warn him and allow him that split of a second to get out of the way. But for Chanyeol, his first instinct was not to dodge, but rather, to come to her rescue. He had caught her flailing arms first, allowing her to reorganize her legs’ movements before they could spiral out of control. She held onto him, needing to take a deep breath but also finding it difficult to breathe when he was holding her like this. Eventually she had found the stability to skate on her own, matching the easy pace he had set, but he did not let go yet.

“Would it be bad if I make puns about you falling for me?” He remained calm, at least enough to joke about it, not at all out of breath like she was.

“Sorry,” she squeaked. “I can be a klutz at times.”

“It’s fine,” he said casually, gently putting her down and allowing her to breathe as she did a little twirl. “Not like I don’t deal with 11 other klutz all the time anyway. It’s not a problem; I’ll still teach you.”

“Alright, Teacher Park!” Elle felt the elation at getting to learn something new rush through her limbs. Combined with the adrenaline, it made her readier than ever. She loved being able to do something solely because she wanted to and she would not need anybody’s permission to do it. She did not have to live under anyone’s rule and she could have fun to her heart’s content. That thought had made her smile even more brightly than Chanyeol. And just as he was wondering what had made her so happy, Gyeongjin and Yunji had paraded into the arena, all smiles and holding hands.

* * *

The nation’s boyfriend was truly a sports enthusiast, bowling one day and ice skating the next. On this fine Sunday, it was cycling that he opted for, which Jongin learned when he returned to his room in the dorms only to catch Chanyeol in the act of attempting to stow a bike there. But the dancer was not surprised anymore. He merely chuckled and shook his head.

“Jongin, you forgot your phone, didn’t you?” Chanyeol said casually, eyeing the nightstand. “You have a missed call from your girlfriend.”

Jongin frowned. “My girlfriend? Who?”

Chanyeol paused in amusement. “You must have so many girlfriends that you don't even know who I'm talking about.”

Jongin checked his phone anyway, and laughed. “That’s not my girlfriend. But I should call her back. I’ll catch you later, Yeollie.”

* * *

Later that afternoon, Jongin met up with Elle at a short hiking path near the beach. “You didn’t have to come all the way here,” he said merrily. “Although of course I’m not complaining.”

“True, I didn’t,” Elle replied breezily. “But I really want to pay you back.”

“It was nothing,” Jongin chuckled as they trod slowly along the trail, drawing no attention from the joggers and hikers who had passed them by speedily.

“It wasn’t nothing to me, and it certainly was a big favor to Yunji,” Elle insisted. “I would feel bad if I keep delaying it till the next time we meet, especially since our next lesson is going to be after more than a whole week. I got the memo, by the way. Filming for your new drama in Japan, eh?”

“Yeah, that’s right,” Jongin nodded. “But how about instead of paying me back…you don’t?”

“I can treat you to a meal instead,” Elle offered. “If you can spare the time for me. I know you’re a busy man,” she added teasingly.

“So busy that I absolutely can’t make time for dinner with you but can absolutely spend the whole night chatting and snacking with you,” Jongin laughed.

Elle smiled fondly at the memory. “As far as I recall, we did more than chatting and snacking.”

“Well, yeah. I showed you that video of my niece dancing. And you taught me that really tricky English word. And also…hmm, let me think. Give me a moment.”

Jongin smiled innocently but Elle knew what he was playing at. “We certainly did all of those things,” she smirked and nodded, but also curled her arm around his and added seriously, “but honestly, Jongin, I feel a lot closer to you now that I’ve told you about what I’ve been through. And when I come to think of it, it seems you’re the only one I’m able to open up to, aside from Yunji.”

However, she also bit her lip and her eyebrows furrowed together as she thought about what she had just said. At some point in her life, like a decade ago when she first met Marvin, she also felt like he was the only person she could trust and confide in, and she turned out to be so wrong, so utterly wrong that it almost drove her insane. So what if this time with Jongin, she was going to repeat her mistake? Daunted by her own doubts and feeling uneasy, she retracted her arm.

“Then…isn’t that a good thing? What’s wrong?” He asked worriedly. “Have I made you uncomfortable in some way? I’m sorry if I’ve—”

“No, no,” she said immediately. “It’s not you. It’s me.” She paused for a moment. “I realize that sounds like a lame excuse but really, you haven’t made me uncomfortable. In fact I’ve never felt more at ease with other people than when I’m with you. But that’s kind of also what worries me, scares me even. I’m obviously a poor judge of character. I don’t want to step into quicksand again. I’ve just gotten out of one mess; I don’t want to be throwing myself into another without even knowing it. I’d hate myself if I couldn’t learn from my mistakes.” She sighed. “You know what, I’m sorry. I’m just wasting your time.” She pulled out her purse and fished for some cash. “Please accept this. It might not be a big deal to you but Yunji and I really appreciate it. I should go.” She turned on her heel and began to walk away.


	6. Fragile Strength

As soon as Elle had turned around she had regretted her decision, because what she really wanted was to figuratively get away from her troubles, not literally running away. Each step felt heavier than ever even though her shoes were light.

“What? No, please don’t. Don’t go.” Jongin chased right after her and grabbed her arm, but only very gently. If she could meet his gaze she would find that the pleading look in his eyes would make it impossible for her to resist him, but she had been unable to look him in the eye and that had made him even more worried.

She did not want to go. She had actually really wanted to see him. The money was just, in part, an excuse for her to meet up with him. Now that she got what she wanted and he was here with her, she suddenly found it all too much and wanted to leave. But it was not his fault, and she could not really bring herself to turn on her heel and leave him behind without at least reassuring him that he had not done anything wrong, but she did not know how to tell him!! Nor did she know if it would be wise to tell him how she felt. After all, if he really were a snake just like Marvin was and she had once again failed to see him for who he really was, she knew she would just regret pouring her heart out to him and letting him in on all her thoughts and feelings. It was  _he_ r own weakness, so easily growing attached to the nearest person available who could be there for her, trusting them completely and even developing romantic feelings. She could see this becoming a pattern and she was not sure that this was the path she wanted to go down. Yet at the same time, it also hurt her to think that Jongin could be cut from the same cloth as the abusive Marvin who had only sought to exploit her and manipulate her. Jongin was…different. He had qualities that she found admirable, and those existed even outside their relationship. He was polite and patient and precious and so many other things. She could see the good in him even without needing him to support her in any way. This was probably the biggest difference between how she perceived Marvin and how she perceived Jongin. Could that be enough to convince her that what she was doing, getting close with Jongin and allowing herself to build a close relationship with him, was right?

As she hesitated and struggled with her own debilitating thoughts, she had pretty much remained immobile while Jongin had stuffed the money back into her wallet and dropped it into her handbag. “I’d love to know your thoughts,” he piped up softly. “But you don’t have to share them with me if you don’t want to. It won’t change how I feel about you.”

She snapped out of her reverie. “How you feel about me?”

He nodded and grinned at her, not offering further explanations. “It’s getting windy though. Let’s get going to the restaurant for dinner first, shall we?”

* * *

After the meal, Elle was in a much better mood, and she decided that she wanted to tell Jongin about her doubts and concerns. It was painfully exhausting, having to keep secrets, and even more so when deep down in her heart she just longed to sustain this closeness with him. A walk on the beach seemed perfectly relaxing and the atmosphere just made everything better. It was chilly, but sobering, and made it even easier for them to enjoy each other’s warmth.

“You know, instead of treating me to a meal, you could've paid me with something else,” he said cryptically.

“Well, I’m no genie, but if you’ve got a wish, do tell me and I’ll see if I’ve got what it takes to grant it,” she winked.

“I think you can take a guess. You’re intelligent,” he beamed.

“Can I get a hint, at least?” She asked playfully.

“Mm hmm,” he nodded and smiled. “I’ll give you a hint.” He then dipped to kiss her on the cheek. A delicate yet sweet kiss that made her giggle and look up at him happily.

“You can’t buy a kiss from me,” she teased.

“Aww, then what do I have to do to get that?” He pouted.

“Not much really.” She shrugged. “Just prove that you're worth it.” Gladly she returned the gesture, her soft lips connecting with his cheek. He stopped in his tracks altogether, persuading her to do the same as he pulled her closer. She was not sure if she could handle being  _that_  close to him. To gaze directly into his gorgeous eyes? To be held against his firm chest? To be wrapped up in his strong arms? She did not feel cold at all but she still froze, palms sweating and heart thumping wildly in her chest.

“Elle,” he spoke tenderly, the winds quieting down to allow his words to ring in her head. She suspected that she had missed half of what he was saying because the way he had said her name had had her so mesmerized. “I understand that you have doubts and I do see where they're coming from. I'm actually really glad you decided to explain to me what's holding you back. And I don’t blame you for not being able to make these fears go away immediately. But I would never...I would never take advantage of you or make you feel like you  _have_  to give up anything for me. I don’t want to be your next mistake. I just want to treat you right, and if you need me I want to help you become the person you want to be, and if you want your own space I will respect that too. And I know,” he paused solemnly. “That words to you have more often than not just been lies and threats and schemes to control and manipulate you. So I will use my actions instead. I  _will_ prove myself to you. I will show you what kind of a person I am and I will let you see that I have what it takes to earn and keep your trust.”

She  _knew_ , that after what happened with Marvin she never wanted to trust too soon or fall too easily, but she  _already_  trusted Jongin and she  _already_  fell for him. The last time she fell for someone was 10 years ago when she was weak and gullible. Now, she was stronger and she knew better, and she was independent. She did not  _need_ him, but her heart still chose him, not because he was the first guy to come along and treat her differently than others, not because she thought she had no one else to count on but him, but because she knew deep down in her heart that he was worthy, of her trust, of her admiration, and of her feelings for him.

It seemed pointless, unhealthy, and even somewhat silly for her to be so hung up on her failed relationship in the past when standing right here in front of her was a man who deserved her. After all, to continue to live in Marvin’s shadow, to continue to be afraid to love, to continue to second-guess her judgement — that was not moving on. That was just allowing his hold on her to further suffocate and incapacitate her.

Without being conscious of it, Elle was tearing up a little at Jongin’s words and her own realization of how good he was for her. Sniffling, she replied, “Jongin, why are you so good to me?”

“Because…” he smiled, his tone mysterious but firm nonetheless. “Because I like you. Day by day, I respect and admire you more and more. I think we’re learning more about each other, and all of that makes me fall deeper for you. At first you were like a puzzle to me. Everything about you had communicated warmth to me, but there was also distance between us at the beginning. I could outstretch my arms but still not be able to bask in your warmth. But with all the texts that we’ve exchanged I began to see you in a different light. You might not be that aware of it, but you were letting me into your world. You were accepting me bit by bit and you grew more comfortable with me. I could sense it, and it made me happy. I could happily be myself around you and I started to care for you more personally. There was also the mystery of why you quit dancing — and now I finally understand. I had a moment of clarity and then it struck me — that every time your face lit up when I talked about my family, every time your eyes shone when I made progress with learning English, every time you smiled at me when we found we had something in common — I was captivated and my heart fluttered. Whenever I think about how we connected and bonded and how far we’ve come, it never fails to make my heart all warm. I felt closer and closer to your warmth and that’s one of the best feelings in the world. I wanted to feel it every day and I longed for you. You said you wanted to know how I feel about you. That’s how.”

Elle could actually cry. What Jongin felt for her was so pure, so precious, and it became something she wanted to preserve and treasure. She reached out to caress his face; his cheeks felt cool because of the winds, but she could feel his warmth and wanted him to share hers. And she could think of a million and one ways to make that happen...like by falling deeper into his embrace and pulling him gently toward her, lightly grazing her nose against his before pressing her lips to his. Jongin was worth it. She had finally found someone who was worth it.

“I never want to walk away from this,” she said to him in a moment of epiphany. “From you, from what we share. It feels right.”

“Because it _is_  right,” he asserted, holding her hand. “You’ve been detained by the wrong person for too long. Let me be the right one for you.”

She smiled and grazed her nose against his. “I wouldn’t want that to be anyone but you.”

Under the moonlight, their silhouettes formed such a beautiful shape. The peace she had found in letting go, in accepting their feelings for each other — it was a kind of closure for her. At the same time, the joy in his racing heart was unparalleled. Few things were more important than them making each other happy. But that was the calm before the storm.

* * *

Although Jongin had to go to Japan to film his new drama, work went on as usual for Elle. When it was lunchtime, she proceeded to the canteen, planning to grab a sandwich. She was so focused on the food that it had escaped her notice that Chanyeol was also there. The only thing that could draw her attention away from the mouth-watering food was when she heard a familiar melody. Someone was humming a tune that sounded so familiar to her that it sent chills down her spine, and not at all in a good way.

“Long were the nights when my days once revolved around you…” that person sang softly, but still audible for Elle as it had already captured her attention. She spun sharply to locate the owner of the voice. Yes, it was a beautiful voice, but that song, that song simply bore too much significance for her to remain calm about it.

When her eyes landed on Chanyeol who was still casually singing and humming to himself, she sighed and gulped, looking away before he could recognize her, and left the canteen hurriedly. She needed to be alone right now, and could only scuttle to her office and shut herself in there, her mind a mess. It made her heart ache to listen to that song, even if it was just one line and a few notes, for the lyrics had described too well the situation that she was once in. She could never just forget the song that she listened to every night while crying herself to sleep. It reminded her too poignantly, painfully, of Marvin and how much he hurt her.

Long were the nights when her days once revolved around him. Not just ‘long’, actually, but rather, quite endless. She was so tired of it she felt drained, and even if that was all in the past, it still impacted her now. She actually felt sick just thinking about it, her chest tightening. She found it difficult to breathe and there was a persistent pounding in her head like someone was hitting her in the head with a sharp object, and then altogether it was like she was lying on an anvil and getting struck repeatedly. She could not make it stop, and on top of that she wanted to throw up. Her palms kept sweating and she did not need to look herself in a mirror to know that her face was pale. She groaned loudly in frustration and buried her face in her hands as she sank down onto the floor, in fetal position against the wall, letting her tears mix together disgustingly with her sweat.

She knew that her world no longer revolved around him or anybody else now, but it was like she had been programmed, conditioned, to weep whenever she heard that song. She hated herself for reacting that way. It made her think that she would not ever be able to walk out of the shadow of her trauma if the smallest things were going to set her off. It was just a stupid song, she tried to tell herself, and surely Chanyeol had not meant to upset her like that, but here she was, breaking down and loathing herself for that, for being weak. She thought she could do so much better and now she was just disappointed in herself. By having a reaction at all, it implied that Marvin still had a hold on her. Still had control over her emotions. Still could keep her under his thumb.

She tried to breathe, but it still ached. She did not want to rely on anybody, but she also desperately wanted to make herself feel better. She reached for her phone with shaky hands and frantically scrolled through her contact list. She was not sure if it was because she had meant to make the call or because she was trembling so badly that her thumb had accidentally tapped on Jongin’s number, but she ended the phone call as soon as she had realized what she had done. She longed for his company, his comfort, his consolation, his reassurance, his warmth, but she would not allow herself to have it. She knew she had already crossed the line with him and had been establishing herself as a potential partner, but with this breakdown she was convinced that she was not prepared to be involved with Jongin if she was going to react like that. Still quivering, she continued to mindlessly scroll and scroll until she found Yunji’s name in her contacts. She made the call and shut her eyes, just helplessly waiting for the dizzying sensation to pass.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song that triggered Elle in this chapter is ‘Dear John’ by Taylor Swift.


	7. Lucky One

"So tell us about your day, Jongin!" Suho invited as the EXO-K members gathered in their dormitory, all sitting close together to fit into the screen so that Jongin, who was all the way in Japan, could see them and chat with them through Skype.

 

"Well, I did the kiss scene!" Jongin announced proudly.

 

All five of them cheered for him loudly, but they had barely quieted down when Sehun piped up. "It doesn't count if it's a screen kiss," the maknae insisted.

 

"Count for what?" Jongin inquired, leaning closer to the screen as if that would get him closer to the answer.

 

"Should we tell him?" Kyungsoo asked, a secretive smile playing at his lips.

 

Before they could come to a consensus, Baekhyun had already chimed in. "We made a bet about who among us would be the next to kiss a girl. And my money is on you." He came across confident, just as he was in the elevator conversation last month.

 

Jongin smiled widely, thinking of all the kisses he had shared with Elle. He had not told the members about this, but it also made him wonder if any of them had also had the luck to be kissed but did not spill the tea about it.

 

"Hmm, on the other hand I'm betting on Chanyeol," Suho stated mysteriously.

 

"Ah, you sound like you know something you're not telling us," Sehun replied, nudging the eldest boy in the room.

 

"Ooh, Chanyeol, you wouldn't just tell our super leader hyung about it but hide it from us, would you?" Baekhyun asked.

 

"Actually, he didn't even tell me. I found out by accident when I was using his phone to check something just now," Suho revealed slyly. "Our happy virus went on a double date yesterday."

 

The boys cheered again and patted Chanyeol on the back dramatically.

 

"It's been a while, hasn't it?" Jongin smiled. "Congrats, hyung."

 

“With whom, though?” Kyungsoo enquired. "And is the date pretty?"

 

"Show them the pic, Chanyeol," Suho urged, reaching for Chanyeol's phone already.

 

Chanyeol guffawed. "Are you sure?" He shot a glance at Jongin on the screen. If he were not in such a good mood because of this double date, the tinge of worry on his face, albeit a brief flash only, might have been more discernible. Alas, he did not get much chance to hesitate. The members have already grabbed his phone, and knew him too well that they just keyed in the password and unlocked the device.

 

"Wow, why are there so many pictures of Deadpool in a row?" Baekhyun chortled. “There's got to be at least 70!” 

 

"Why don’t I see my selfies there? Did you delete them?" Sehun frowned, peering over his hyungs’ shoulders to get a better look at the small phone screen.

 

"Ah, it’s this one, isn’t it?" Kyungsoo pointed, clicking on the image that they were all looking for.

 

"Show it to me," Jongin said curiously, shifting in his seat and closer to the screen.

 

"Jongin, I —" Chanyeol tried to explain, but it got drowned out by his fellow members’ discussion and remarks, mostly words of encouragement, but his (big) ears were closed as soon as one of them showed the photo to Jongin.

 

Jongin’s jaw dropped. "Isn’t that...isn’t that…"

 

"Oh? You know the girl?" Baekhyun asked.

 

"I...yeah, I do," Jongin answered gingerly. His face fell, but he recomposed himself quickly.

 

"Jongin, I didn’t know —" Chanyeol got cut off again.

 

"Small world, huh. Who’s that?" Sehun pressed on, amused.

 

"That’s, um…" Jongin licked his lips nervously, ruffling his hair.

 

"Uh, that’s…" Chanyeol tried to help, but he could not think of a way, on the spot, that might make this less awkward.

 

"The suspense is killing me; hurry up," Kyungsoo prodded, breaking into an innocent smile. 

 

"That's my English tutor," Jongin revealed dryly. 

 

* * *

After ending the Skype call with his fellow members, Jongin had thrown his phone onto the bed carelessly, deciding against calling Elle back even though he had been itching to. He was so befuddled right now. He thought he shared something special with her, but then suddenly, out of nowhere, she just randomly decided to go on a date with Chanyeol? It was not a proper date, strictly speaking, but still. It felt like betrayal. Or did they have history already? But then she would have brought it up…

 

Jongin’s confusion had stayed with him all the way until he had the chance to see Elle again, when it was time for their English lessons to resume. He had managed to keep his spirits up high enough to get through the class, but as soon as it was finished, his façade also dropped.

 

"Alright. Now it's time to confront the issue of what's on your mind. I can tell, because you're usually cheery but today you're not," Elle pointed out calmly. "I don't like it when you're frowning or unhappy..."

 

Jongin might have found a moment of solace in that what Elle added at the end, but for now he was too absorbed in his own bewilderment to afford a smile. "I was just...wondering about the phone call from you that I missed," he said, even though that he knew that was not   _ exactly _ what he was so perturbed about.

 

"Oh, that. Yeah, I..." she took several deep breaths, trying to hold it together. "I was...having a bit of a hard time and just thought I'd call someone to talk about it." She knew it was a major understatement but that was what she went with anyway. "I didn't mean to bother you; you were probably working at the time. I talked to Yunji afterward and felt better. It was nothing. Don't worry about it."

 

"Ah, well, I'm glad you consider me to be someone you can talk to when you're feeling down," he smiled faintly.

 

She nodded. "I also want to be that someone for you, so please...tell me what's up." She leaned forward and reached out to place her hand atop his on the table. There was electricity when the physical contact happened.

 

He decided to be open with his feelings too. "I know this is none of my business, but...I happen to have heard that you went on a date with Chanyeol the other day?"

 

She paused for a moment. "Well, it was a double date. He's friends with the guy that Yunji is seeing. I didn't know that Chanyeol-ssi was going to be there; I just showed up for Yunji's sake. You know, the things we do for our best friends."

 

Jongin smiled proudly, feeling triumphant and safe because he knew from the way Elle had referred to Chanyeol that they were not that close. Jongin felt reassured that he and Elle were much closer as they were on less formal terms. He would have hated to be in competition with Chanyeol, or any of his fellow members, out of all people.

 

"Wait, you didn't think...that Chanyeol-ssi and I were a couple? Was that what was bothering you?" She chuckled. Albeit convinced that she was NOT ready for dating, she found herself agreeing to go out a double date, at Yunji’s request. Even though Elle herself did not have much luck in love, she did want the best for Yunji and hoped that her best friend could get together with Gyeongjin. She really only did it for Yunji, figuring that Yunji would do the same or even more for her if their situations were reversed. She ended up enjoying the company and had a nice time, but she did not want anything romantic to develop, because in light of recent events she felt like she was not ready for it yet.

 

"Don't laugh! I was beginning to doubt if what we shared didn't mean as much to you as it did to me," he replied, albeit beginning to giggle a little himself.

 

"I'm sure your Chanyeol-hyung told you as much, right?" She grinned. "As for what you mean to me, well, it's actually a lot more than you think. Have faith in me."

 

He smiled at her warmly, his heart filled up with happiness at her words. He nodded and gave her hand a squeeze. They used to have their doubts, both of them, but they also knew they had to have faith in each other and hold on to each other.

 

"Well, you know where I'm heading next," he said, glancing at the clock on the wall. "I will be thinking of you. Even when you're not in the room with me. I'll be patiently waiting for the day you dance with me."

 

She beamed at him, so happy that she found him to be someone she could trust. But if she trusted him, she should not keep things from him, right...?

 

Although he had to go, she did not let go of his hand she was holding. "I don't want you to go," she admitted.

 

He brushed his thumb over her knuckles gently. "You know I'd stay with you if I could."

 

"I want to tell you what I wasn't able to tell you over the phone," she revealed. She wanted to be able to let him in, to not feel the need to keep secrets from him or have to carry them with her like a stone-heavy burden on her aching shoulders. To be able to do that — it had to mean much more than taking off her clothes and having sex. It was easy to do that, getting carnally intimate with someone, even a random stranger she would never think of crossing paths with ever again, and she would have no qualms about that. But to be intimate with somebody the way she was with Jongin, to open up her soul to him after getting hurt so badly in the past, and to be naked in a way that allowed him to see all of her scars and struggles, past and present — it was about letting him into her thoughts and fears and dreams and hopes for the future — that felt like being truly naked, vulnerable but strengthened by that bond that sex could not replace. She could only do that with Jongin.

 

“Then..." he winked. "Dinner tonight?"

 

* * *

 

It was the week after that and pursuant to a couple more dates with Jongin that, to Elle's delight, Yunji and Gyeongjin finally got together and made things official. The new couple decided to have a celebratory round of drinks at this exclusive bar, and they invited all their friends, which of course included Elle and Chanyeol. And of course, occasions like these always ended up somehow turning into a game of Truth or Dare.

 

"So, Chanyeol-ssi! It’s your turn. Truth or Dare?" Yunji asked, voice booming in elation. 

 

Chanyeol, on the other hand, was slow to be aware that the question was directed at him. "Huh? Uh, is it my turn again? Um...damn, I never know what to pick." He guffawed and downed what was left of his drink, flagging down a waiter to refill his glass.

 

"You already picked Truth a few times in a row so why not a Dare?" Gyeongjin suggested puckishly.

 

"Sure! Dare it is then!" Chanyeol replied, the words slipping out of his mouth before he could stop himself. He knew that he was drinking more than he had anticipated to, and that he would most likely regret adopting any suggestion that this friend of him would throw his way, but it was done. Whatever the Dare was about, he had to do it. He would be at Yunji's mercy and he was still wondering if she knew any mercy at all...

 

"I dare you to kiss one of the single ladies here!" Yunji announced giddily, receiving thankful glances from the other couples among their friend circle. Elle, however, stiffened. She had meant to avoid eye contact with Chanyeol because it could get awkward, but then instead of looking away, for some reason she had looked him in the eye instead. At the same time, he was scanning the room and looking around to see who he could pick. It was pointless, however, when he knew already who exactly it was going to be.

 

Chanyeol was sure that he was going to feel hot even if it were not for the alcohol getting to him. He cleared his throat and realized that Gyeongjin and Yunji must have caught on as they had already moved out of their seats so that there was nobody between himself and Elle now. Their friends began to cheer, and surely they were loud as several of them had already had too much to drink. But their noises did not quite register in his mind because he could only hear his thumping heart. He saw, to his relief, that Elle did not back away or look uncomfortable, so that had to be his green light. Partly driven by the alcohol, he had dashed to the spot next to Elle.

 

His throat was dry. Ugh. It was certainly not his first kiss, nor was it going to be his first kiss with her if his suspicions were true that she was the one at the masquerade party that he had hooked up with, so why did he have to be so nervous? They were just playing a game and there was no need to be all tense like this...but he knew all too well where all the tension was coming from, and it had only escalated. Besides, the alcohol was making everything fuzzy and it was hard to think straight and even harder to feel embarrassed. He would love to kiss her, so screw inhibitions.

 

"I didn't think  _ I'd  _ be the lucky one," Elle said impishly, not at all seeming to mind their proximity now. As soon as her best friend had laid out the terms of the Dare, she was already beginning to wonder if she would be the one he would pick. Actually, she wanted to be the one he picked. Looking up at his handsome face, of course she wanted to kiss him, and more. Nothing less than what they probably had done before.

 

Chanyeol chuckled. "No,  _ I'm _ the lucky one," he insisted, before thumbing her chin and turning her head a little so that he could capture her lips in a firm yet playful kiss. Their bodies knew better and immediately the familiarity registered — at this point they were  _ so sure _ that they must have kissed before. They just knew from the way their lips parted, from the way their tongues touched, and from the way they tasted. It was so quick for his cologne to assault her nostrils without mercy. It was even more intoxicating than the alcohol. 

 

“I was just expecting, like, a peck, but this…” Yunji whispered to Gyeongjin and they all looked on as Chanyeol and Elle were basically making out and doing way more than the simple Dare had entailed. He was kissing her in a way that was so engaging that there was nobody else on her mind but him and the history they shared when they were locking lips. Not even the many pairs of eyes on them or one of the boys’ wolf-whistles had deterred them the least bit. And when he pulled apart from her, she only wanted more, as did he. It was just that they did not have the excuse of a Dare to keep going anymore.

 

The game continued anyway, and for the rest of the night Chanyeol found himself frequently throwing glances Elle’s way, fixated on her tattoo as memories of their encounter invaded his mind.


	8. My Clarity

It came as such a great shock to Elle that she maybe, possibly, probably, likely had had a one night stand with Park Chanyeol, out of all people. It was so inconceivable that no matter how much time had passed, she still could not process it. It really felt more like a distant fantasy than a solid reality. He felt so real when she had him in her arms though, his mouth on hers, bodies close and fumbling with their clothes.

These were the thoughts that Elle had chucked aside as it was time to have class with Jongin. She felt kind of bad about it, not-suitable-for-work thoughts about another man filling her mind once again as soon as Jongin was off to dance practice after the lesson.

She shook her head and returned to her office as usual. Absentmindedly she tidied the documents on her desk, stacking the files together and clearing her desk space a bit so she could work better. She wished she could do the same with all those thoughts in her head, but it was not that easy, especially when it was only a couple of minutes after Jongin had left that someone had wanted to see her.

"Chanyeol-ssi?" Elle blurted before she could look up to verify who it was. Her nose had already told her that this scent could only belong to one man. She kept her eyes on his unbelievably gorgeous features and was too captivated by his good looks to notice that he had chosen to sit next to her rather than opposite to her across her desk. At the same time she could feel her cheeks burning up as she recalled their first encounter as well as their kiss the other night, which was what Chanyeol was here to talk about, he explained.

"So, it's just a game of Truth or Dare, right? We've both had a bit to drink, and it was Yunji-ssi's Dare. There's nothing more to it, yeah?" Chanyeol began. It took everything in him to hold back from babbling; he was nervous and it was like without the help of the drinks he had downed the other night he just could not calm his nerves.

"Right, yeah..." Elle replied tentatively, nodding a little. "I didn't think we would be having this discussion, but you're not wrong. Go ahead, please."

"Well, the thing is," Chanyeol said. "We're not playing the game anymore. And we're not tipsy anymore." He took a deep breath before continuing. Gosh, in his head he sounded so much smoother, so much more confident, not like a nervous little boy. "But I still want to kiss you."

When she was silent, he gulped. Ah, should he not have said that? He wanted to smack his forehead against his hand, but he was too tense and actually froze.

Finally she reacted. "Then, what's stopping you?"

That’s right! It was like Chanyeol was enlightened all of a sudden. There was literally nothing stopping him from doing what he wanted to do at this very moment. So he dived forward — in his mind probably too eagerly and coming on too strong, but it was perfect for Elle. She met his lips with her own, and it was like their passion had never left them, picking up right where they left off the other night. Her hands moved to caress his face, her fingertips reaching his big elf ears, inviting him to reciprocate.

Knock knock. "Teacher-nim?" Someone said aloud from outside her office, the suddenness of it causing Chanyeol and Elle to spring apart. It was really Chanyeol who backed off first. He cursed under his breath and his eyes widened because he could recognize that voice, he knew it all too well.

"It's Jongin!" Chanyeol uttered in sync with the dancer at the door. Panicking, the rapper scrambled to his feet and took the seat that was furthest away from Elle's chair, pretending that nothing had happened as he whistled and scooted to the window.

Elle got up too and raced to the door. "Jongin!" She said breathlessly, wishing her flushed cheeks would not give her away. "I didn't think you'd come back. What's up?"

"I just realized that I had left my handout with you. The one with the really handy chart," Jongin explained, scratching the nape of his neck.

"Oh, did you?" Elle replied, even though it was meaningless. She added quickly, "yeah, I'll fetch it for you real quick."

As soon as she was rummaging through her folders, Jongin saw that Chanyeol was in the room too. "Hyung?" He said in surprise. "What are you doing here?" He asked, merely curious and not in an accusatory manner. If Elle said they were not dating then they were not dating.

Chanyeol had enough time to think of an excuse, and babbled something about songwriting. Jongin was just listening halfheartedly though, and stayed more focused on Elle the whole time. When she handed the notes to him, their hands touched and they looked up to exchange meaningful glances, all of which Chanyeol had observed and noted. Connecting that with the way Jongin had been looking at Elle the whole time — so affectionately, with so much admiration, patience and longing...it made Chanyeol feel conflicted. Sure he found it interesting, but then...were his eyes deceiving him? Did Jonginnie really have some sort of a crush on Elle? And she seemed to see him as more than a tutee too. Much more than that, in fact. Chanyeol shifted slightly in his seat, looking on with a slight furrow of his eyebrows but not eager to display his discomfort.

Jongin waved quickly before running off to the dance studio again where surely Sehun was waiting. Elle turned back to Chanyeol again and sighed in relief. "I...was not at all expecting that to happen," she stated.

“You mean...our kiss or getting interrupted by Jongin?” Chanyeol inquired gingerly, suddenly very motivated to find out what kind of a relationship Elle really shared with Jongin. Was there really something else, something more going on outside the classroom, unbeknownst to him or the other members? Jongin might have found it a bit awkward that his tutor went on a date — a double date — with his fellow member, but what if he was feeling awkward, or even uncomfortable, not because she was his tutor but, rather, because he had feelings for her? And if that were true then how did she feel about him? There were so many questions popping up in Chanyeol’s head right now.

Elle shrugged. "Both, to be honest. But more, you know, between us." It turned out she was no less nervous than Chanyeol was. "I mean, I didn't expect that you, out of all people, would want to kiss me. Even when you're sober."

Chanyeol pursed his lips together and thought for a moment. "It might have been unexpected but you enjoyed it, right?"

"Oh, hell, yes, I did," Elle answered right away before chortling.

Deciding that this lazy posture did not suit his mood, Chanyeol rose to his feet but did not take his eyes off of Elle. "Does it feel as good without our masks on?" He dared ask. Of course he could not be 100% certain that it was her, but...it had to be her, right? It could not just have been a coincidence that there was another girl with the exact same tattoo who also showed up at Yunji's birthday party. Chanyeol was pretty damn sure, enough to galvanize him to take this risk.

Elle's heart skipped a beat. "What are you talking about?" She enquired, feigning innocence. Her pretense had almost shattered Chanyeol's confidence completely, but then it was restored when a knowing smile grew on her face. It was too tantalizing for him to hold back.

"You know exactly what I'm talking about," he declared before closing in on her, knowing she was going nowhere with her desk behind her. The tension in the room had skyrocketed, this revelation shedding their inhibitions more quickly than any cocktail could.

"I'm afraid I really don't," she lied mischievously, pulling him in to lock lips with him once more, but he hardly needed her encouragement. He kissed her unrelentingly, unbridled fervency going off like fireworks in the sky. This passion was always secretive, quick, and intense, everything like their hot encounter at the masquerade party. Their hearts were beating fast, matching the marked urgency when he lifted her onto the desk she was so conveniently standing in front of already. She was different around him: much more confident, daring to tantalize him, and bold enough to embrace her desires. She liked this side of herself and she most certainly liked making out with him and more, so she did not stop him when he slowed to take off his jacket. Very soon he deepened the kiss again and let his body guide him, running his hands up and down her sides unabashedly. After all, it was nothing he had not done to her before. He was even naughtier back then, and if his memory served him right, she loved it.

Chanyeol had soon abandoned his thoughts of whether or not this was what he came here for, and all the questions he had about her relationship with Jongin. Likewise for Elle, no one else was on her mind apart from Chanyeol, in this steamy, memorable moment. She was excited, aroused, and feeling adventurous — Park Chanyeol had that effect on her.

Elle was no longer hesitant when her hands wandered as they pleased, soon reaching his belt. She did not make to unbuckle it, however, as she was in a playful mood. Instead, she reached around him to grab his butt, but when she felt something buzz and vibrate, she took her hands off of him. Gasping and breaking off the kiss, she looked up at him. He looked equally startled, before both of them realized that it was just his phone ringing.

"Ah, shit," he uttered and, seeing as they were already pausing, pulled his phone out of his pocket to see that the caller was his Kris-hyung, which made him cuss again. He did not pick up the call but that did not mean he could get back to what he was doing with Elle. "I can't believe it’d slipped my mind. Gosh, I'm so sorry. I don't mean to just...leave you like this, but I really have to go. I'm sorry about this." He stepped back from her, deftly grabbing his jacket.

It was a pity, but there was hardly anything Elle could do about it. She breathed in deeply and nodded, and even as Chanyeol walked out of her office she was still thinking about his lips on hers.

* * *

That evening, after work, Elle had met up with Yunji for dinner. Their regular meet-ups would not stop just because Yunji was no longer single.

"Did something happen today?" Yunji raised an eyebrow at her best friend. "You better tell me all about it."

Elle just knew she could not hide anything from this girl anyway, so all the tea was spilled.

"Oh my gosh," Yunji gushed. "You know, since I've found myself a boyfriend, I've been spending a lot of time wondering when it would be your turn."

Elle smiled wryly. "I know you'd want that for me, but I'm just not ready for, you know, relationships and all that stuff. I'm still so overwhelmed. If I felt ready, I wouldn't turn down the opportunity. But right now, it really doesn't feel right."

"Not even with the nation's boyfriend? Girl, do you have any idea how many women would kill to be in your position? I mean, first it was what happened on my birthday, and then at our party a few days ago, and then just now today..." Yunji replied.

"Even so, I've never even so much as considered getting into a relationship with Chanyeol. Look at what we've done — it's all physical, you see? I don't have feelings for him. Not romantic feelings, only...lust," Elle concluded.

"Well, that's understandable," Yunji said albeit with her mouth full. "After all, it's Park Chanyeol. Not at all hard to understand that you'd be sexually attracted to him. But still, isn't it so surreal that you actually got to sleep with him? I mean —”

"Gosh, you are too loud," Elle said frantically. "Hush. I can't have the entire restaurant find out what I've done."

"Alright, alright. But hey, speaking of, have you been developing romantic feelings for someone else?" Yunji asked. "You know I really want you to be able to do that, because I want you to — I need you to — believe that you can have feelings for someone and even go into a relationship with someone and it's not going to turn out to be a mistake. Not that I’m pushing you into a relationship and whatnot though."

"I...well, I..." As Elle tried to answer Yunji's question, she wanted to be honest but then she also felt a pang of guilt as she ruminated over what she shared with Jongin and the kisses they had. And yet here she was, passionately, shamelessly making out with somebody else. Of course, she was not in a committed relationship, so she did not feel the need to be exclusive with Jongin or anybody else. She really could do whatever she wanted with whomever she wanted, and nobody could control her. Yes, it felt so liberating and so refreshing to be able to do exactly as she pleased. She was entitled to that, and every breath that she took felt more invigorating and uplifting since she was no longer under Marvin's thumb. But somehow thinking about Jongin's concerns that she might be seeing Chanyeol on the side...it seemed untruthful of her to reassure him of how much he meant to her one minute and the next go ahead and kiss another guy. It was especially awkward when the two of them were so close, like brothers. Technically she did not lie to Jongin, but having to question herself and justify herself like that, it made her feel uneasy. Elle chewed on her lip indecisively.

"So...I'm guessing...there is someone after all?" Yunji said slowly.

Elle snapped to attention. Someone she had romantic feelings for. "Yes, there is," she answered simply. She would not lie to Yunji or to herself. She knew she had fallen for Jongin, and she thought about how sweet the fall was, and that he liked her too...it really made her happy and feel so warm. She began to contemplate what a relationship with him would be like: romantic dates, lots of deep conversations, dancing together...wow. If just thinking about it could make her that elated already, she was pretty certain her heart would be bursting in joy if all of that were to happen for real. But would it ever? Would she ever be ready to step out of the shadows of her trauma, break free from the chains that hold her back from happiness, and enter a wholesome, healthy relationship? She wanted to believe the answer was yes.


	9. Wrecking Ball

For whatever reason, Elle woke up with a headache today. She figured it would go away as soon as she had breakfast and got her morning coffee. Naturally, it was the large hazelnut macchiato she always opted for — half-caf, with soy, extra hot. But even then, it did little to help, and although she survived her classes and was able to stay relatively focused throughout, she could not let this continue and had to take some pills, which she knew were in her car. However, once she stepped out of her office, her phone rang. She picked up the call absentmindedly, not caring that it was a number that she did not save in her contacts.

"Hello?"

At first, all she heard was silence. But above her puzzlement, it was the eeriness of the silence that sent chills down her spine. She shivered and frowned. "Hello?" She repeated herself, this time more skeptically. "Who is this?"

"Hi, honey," said the caller curtly.

Elle almost dropped her phone. She stopped in her tracks, practically froze, and gasped sharply. She would have no trouble recognizing that voice anywhere. It was the only voice that had occupied her mind for so long, the only voice that was loud enough to silence her own with twisted reasoning and ruses of love and affection, the only voice that could make her fall to pieces easily. She was having a hard time holding it all together, but considering she was in the hallway and many people were passing by, she tried extra hard to prevent herself from crumbling right there and then. She had to keep herself together. But could she? Could she really? Or would she be too weak to?

She could hardly react, let alone say anything in response. This gave the caller the perfect opportunity to continue speaking. “You know I don’t like it when you fail to reply to my texts,” he stated sternly, the displeasure evident in his tone. “That’s not something I allow, and you know that.”

Apart from the crippling fear, rage was the first emotion that Elle could identify in this moment. It made her blood boil that he still dared speak to her like that. She was furious that he believed with such conviction that her every action was up to him to allow or disallow. She was so done with him trying to control and manipulate and abuse her. That was why she left. That was why she walked out of this toxic relationship. But here he was, trying to pull her right back in. She was quivering, but more in anger than in fear now. Still, she found herself unable to utter a single word. He still managed to catch her by surprise, and it was by far one of the most unpleasant surprises in her life.

"I'm not looking for an explanation, babe. But if you pay me the apology that you know you owe me, I will think about forgiving you and taking you back. You know you're sorry. You just have to say it and admit that you're wrong," he went on, delivering his speech with eloquence like he had done countless of times before.

She gritted her teeth in fury. She was not the least bit sorry, and she most certainly did not feel the need to apologize to anybody. He was the one who had wronged her, but she did not want anything from him. She just wanted to be rid of him, for good. She also hated how he addressed her. 'Honey'? 'Babe'? No. She had burned down all the bridges and if he was about to rebuild them with debris, she ought to be ready to fight back. She would never crawl back to him.

She huffed lividly and even though she was trembling in anger, she decided not to waste her energy and words on him. She ended the call abruptly, repeatedly punching the red button with her thumb until it hurt. She even wanted to smash her phone against the wall, wishing that would make him vanish forever. She built her new life with her bare hands and no one was going to tear it down, not on her watch. She was going to destroy him before he could do it to her. But right now, she really needed to take some meds for her splitting headache. It had gotten so much worse now that her worst nightmare had returned.

Sighing, she got to her car. But instead of getting painkillers for relief, she was only coming to face to face with more bad news when she found that something was placed on her windshield. It looked like a parking ticket, but that was impossible; she could not possibly get a penalty for this. There must have been a mistake. She picked it up and upon closer inspection, it was not a notice demanding that she pay a fine for illegal parking. Rather, it was a Christmas card, but its contents offered none of the warmth and seasonal greeting that any recipient of a Christmas card ought to expect. Instead, it read: "you promised we would spend every Xmas together. Why would you break your promise just like that? Why would you break my heart and leave me behind? Come back to me. I can't do without you."

She was so frustrated that tears sprang to her eyes. "What the fuck?!" She seethed, infuriated by all the lies that he spouted. First it was his voice and now it was his handwriting. Traces of him were everywhere and it was like everything could remind her of him. What was even more exasperating was that there used to be a time when his voice was her favorite sound in the whole wide world, and his handwritten love letters was what she longed to receive and read every single day. Now, she was agitated and disgusted and irritated. What did she have to do in order to be free from him, once and for all?

"Elle? Is that you?"

She jumped and whirled immediately, alarmed and on guard. It seemed like awful things would happen if she just let her defences down for just one moment.

Much to her relief, it was not Marvin. It was somebody she was much more willing to see.

"Chanyeol," she greeted gingerly. "I...please pardon my language. It was unprofessional of a tutor but...I didn't know you were here."

"Oh, I hadn't meant to startle you either. I'm actually here because this is the place I usually come to, to draw inspiration for songwriting. Either here, or the rooftop, but seeing as it's so cold...here I am," Chanyeol explained.

"I see," she nodded but her heart was not in it. She was still far too absorbed in stressing over Marvin to fully engage in a conversation with anybody else.

"Is everything alright?” Chanyeol inquired kindly. “You seem kind of...distraught.”

“Well, I…” Elle stammered, not knowing what to say. So in the end she just decided to say everything. Literally, everything about her relationship with Marvin and how he had still been plaguing her even now. She told Chanyeol everything. She must have spent almost an hour explaining and venting, ranting and crying, cussing and hollering. It was emotionally intense yet, somehow, therapeutic and cathartic for her to just let it out. She needed this, and he happened to be conveniently around.

“Sorry, I’m such a mess right now,” she croaked. Her throat was dry but her face was wet, utterly soaked in tears as her makeup ran down her face. "I'm so sorry for keeping you. You're probably busy with, um, writing verses or something. I swear I hadn't meant to occupy you. I should go."

"No, no, it's alright, I promise," he replied tenderly, needing to reassure her that her expression of her emotional needs was not a waste of his time. He squeezed her arms gently, and oh how it contrasted with the threatening grip that Marvin always had on her; even if it was not a physical one it was an emotional one and it was so suffocating, so exhausting, so restraining. Chanyeol's touch, however, was soothing in every way, especially when he pulled her into his embrace, not caring that her tear stains would get onto his jumper. Breathing was painful, but at least with every breath she drew, his cologne was sufficient solace.

It was not that she wanted to disengage from him or turn down the comfort that the feeling of being in his arms could offer. But she did need to do something about this situation. Deal with her problems. Face her demons.

"I have a suggestion," Chanyeol piped up again, as if he could read her mind. He brushed the hair out of her face and used his knuckles to dab at her tears. "I don't want you to get harmed by your ex but if he can still find ways to contact you and even locate your car, I'm afraid he may be more dangerous than you know. This is downright stalking. Do you feel like going to the police for help?"

* * *

Chanyeol was kind enough to accompany Elle to the police station that day. As she explained everything to the officer, she was glad that she did not tear the Christmas card to shreds in a fit of conniption, because she needed that as proof of Marvin’s continued harassment.

After jotting a lot of notes and keeping evidence for record, the officer removed his glasses and said, "sorry, it must have slipped my mind. You're her...boyfriend, you say?" He asked Chanyeol.

Both Chanyeol and Elle froze and exchanged nervous glances, turning away from each other as soon as they felt their cheeks reddening.

"Uh," the rapper cleared his throat and spluttered. "I'm her...her, um, friend."

"Yeah," Elle blurted and added lamely. Neither of them knew what terms they were really on or how to describe their relationship. They did not feel it would be best to be completely, painfully honest with the officer and go like, "not 'boyfriend' but we had a one night stand a couple months ago, and made out several times after that, but it's not like there's a serious, committed, exclusive romantic relationship going on or anything like that, and we aren't fuck-buddies either because it was just one time".

It was an issue that they felt the strong need to address even after the officer had no more questions. He walked her back to her office and it was after she had calmed down that they pursued the topic.

"I don't feel like we should keep, you know, making out, especially in secret. While I really enjoy what we shared, we can't deny that this is going nowhere," Elle asserted with a sigh. It was a pity. This was the first time she had felt that much sizzling attraction to someone. But lust was transient; it always was.

"You're right. And I'm not going to deny anything, especially not that...I find you really attractive," Chanyeol replied with a light chuckle. "A small part of me does wish that we could go out on dates. And when the officer just now thought that I was your boyfriend, well," he laughed. "I kind of wished that were true too. But, above that, I just think that whoever gets to rightfully claim the title of being your boyfriend would be incredibly blessed, and I hope he's someone worth it. Someone who's really right for you and respects you and admires you and loves you," he explained. Pausing for a moment, he giggled and looked away. "Gosh, I sound as if I'm so emotionally attached to you. I'm not, really. I just...I care about you. Perhaps slightly more than as a friend of your best friend's new boyfriend."

Elle smiled for the first time today and it pleased her to think that the reason for her smile was Chanyeol's support and concern. "Well, perhaps it doesn't have to be a lie, what you told the officer back there just now. We can still be friends even though what we did was more than what friends would do."

Chanyeol grinned widely and nodded in agreement. "Sounds perfect to me."


	10. Christmas

It seemed that Elle had made the right decision by adopting Chanyeol's suggestion as for a few days she had not heard from Marvin in any way, and that was such a huge relief.

Days had been peaceful for Elle so far. Today was Christmas Eve, and Elle did not have work. Just as she was wondering how she ought to spend this day, she received a phone call. Luckily, it was from Jongin.

"Have you got any plans today?" Jongin enquired breezily.

"Oh, no, not really. I'm pretty much available for the rest of the day," Elle answered. "And you? How are you celebrating?"

"Great! Well, would you care to spend some time with me?" Jongin offered, sounding so delighted that it was as if Elle could hear over the phone how happy he was. "I've only got rehearsals in the evening so I'm free during daytime."

"Hey, that's wonderful! You sure you don't wanna catch a break though? You deserve some rest. You've been working so hard," Elle replied, although of course deep inside she was elated that Jongin could spend time with her.

"I never feel tired when I'm with you," Jongin insisted. And it was true, he always felt enlivened and energized when he was spending time with her. It made him always want to be around her. It became clear to them that they were good for each other.

Elle giggled. "Where do you feel like going today?"

"Anywhere with you is cool," Jongin answered promptly. He beamed to himself, realizing how whipped he sounded.

"In that case...let's bake cookies together!" Elle shared the first idea that popped into her mind. "Would you like to come over to my place?"

* * *

When Jongin showed up at her door, Elle was beyond euphoric, inwardly squealing somewhat like an overjoyed teenager, but she did not care. She was quickly swept up in his embrace and she welcomed him with kisses. They barely had the mind to close the door, and hastily he had had her pushed against the wall, kissing more fervently than they ever had. This time they were more eager to give more of themselves to each other. It stopped feeling like they were still attempting to balance themselves on a tightrope, and more like two hearts dancing on a high wire. They had only grown more sure of their feelings for each other, so any hesitation or reservation they once had now had to make way for their escalating passion. Especially for Elle, she was so glad that she no longer felt the need to run from her own feelings, or be scared away by her own doubts. With Jongin there was certainty, and a firmness in the way he kissed her. It felt so right. It had to be him.

Slowly disengaging, she kept her hands resting comfortably on his shoulders. Smiling, she spoke first. "Merry Christmas."

"Merry Christmas," he grinned. "It feels right to spend this Christmas with you."

"I think this is the merriest Christmas I have ever had in my life," she replied, a bit wryly as she thought about why her previous Christmases were not as merry as she would have liked them to be. Though very soon she had pushed those thoughts aside and decided to not entertain them, not when Jongin was here and he was going to make her very happy. She was certain about that.

"I'm glad to be a part of it," he murmured lovingly, thumbing her chin with a fond smile on his face. "It's funny. So last week I was in Japan filming, right?"

"Mm hmm," she nodded as she listened. Even though the passion they shared was not a wildfire like what she had with Chanyeol, it was a slow yet steady flame that warmed the whole house and the heart.

"So there was this scene in which my character was dancing quite sensually with his love interest, and then I was supposed to push her against the wall and kiss her...just like what we did just now," he revealed. "And when I was filming...the whole time, I was wishing that it could have been you instead."

That was music to her ears. How could it not be? To know that he was yearning for her when he was away...it was so endearing. "Well," she beamed sweetly. "Now you can stop wishing and actually make it happen."

He nodded. "That makes me happy." He placed a hand on her neck and kissed her again. "But what made me really think about this in depth was that...I remember the lines I had to deliver after that scene. My character was talking to his love interest and I recall having to say something like...'I'll never be serious with you. You want a genuine relationship with me but that's not what I want from you. We're incompatible and we're never going to be together.' And I..." he licked his lips, getting a little nervous when it comes to vocalizing his feelings. “I realize that...that’s the opposite of how I truly feel toward you. What I want to say to you is that if we do start a relationship, I will commit myself to it. I’m serious about you and I want to be with you. I have no terms. I only want you. I only want to love you.”

The sincere look in his eyes really communicated everything to her. It was so good  _and_  so true. It did not take long for her to realize that what existed between her and Jongin was a perfect loving relationship: they had intimacy, commitment, and passion. And she was not afraid anymore.

“Jongin…” she said earnestly, taking his face in her hands. “I want to be with you. For real. You’re so worth it. I realize that all I want is to hold your hand and keep fearlessly falling for you each day. I want to love you too.” Finally, she found it in her to want a relationship and to say it aloud. Finally, there was determination and hope in her eyes and in her life. This was the right thing to do.

The smile that grew on Jongin’s face was more radiant than anything to ever grace Elle’s eyes. “Wow, I…” he said slowly and could not stop smiling. “I...can’t believe my luck. I was expecting to have to wait, but you...you found that strength sooner than I thought. You are stronger than I could have expected, and I just...I’m just so happy, and to find out that there’s more of you for me to admire and love, it makes me so happy. Goodness,  _you_  make me so happy.”

“It’s what I want to do,” she replied softly, grazing her nose against his, eager to be close to him. “Who I want to be. I’ve found that happiness comes easy to me when the reason is you.”

He laced his hand in hers, the other cupping her cheek. “We will be happy together.”

* * *

Nothing could deter this new couple, not even the fact that they could not spend Christmas Day together. It was not a misfortune though, as EXO had rehearsals all through the day for their performance in the evening. As for Elle, she was going to spend this jolly holiday with Yunji and her family.

"We  _are_  your family, Elle," Yunji insisted. "I've adopted you already. There's no way you're getting rid of me now. Or my whole clan."

"What would I do without you?" Elle shook her head and grinned.

Yunji shrugged. "Crash and burn, probably."

"Yeah, and we wouldn't want that, would we?" Elle laughed, grabbing some drinks.

"I want nothing but the best for my adopted daughter," Yunji asserted. "Perhaps one of my Christmas wishes is that you'd get back into dancing."

Elle nodded slowly. "I've actually been giving it some thought."

"You have?" Yunji asked, crossing her legs.

"I have," Elle explained. "And I recall that the first time I ever performed a dance was at a party, during the Christmas celebrations as well. I know it's been a long time —”

"Yeah, how many centuries has it been now? I'm guessing 6?" Yunji joked.

"No way. At least 7," Elle rolled her eyes and chuckled. "I still remember how liberating it felt to be on the stage, and every move felt natural to me. At that time, I already thought to myself that dancing was going to be something I was going to be doing for at least a long time, if not for the rest of my life. But then we both know how that turned out."

"Yes, but it's not too late to pick it up again. It's never too late," Yunji said hopefully.

"Exactly. I'm really considering...you know, trying again. After all, what's going to stop me? Who's going to stop me? Nothing but my own fears...and I think I've quite conquered them," Elle announced.

"That's good! That's wonderful,” Yunji replied pompously. "I knew you could do it."

"I'm glad I finally feel ready to take this step now. But I can't take all the credit for this growth," Elle added.

"Oh? Who else have I got to thank?" Yunji asked.

Elle beamed. "My boyfriend," she revealed.

* * *

Elle figured that out of all the Christmas presents that she had received this year, Jongin was the best of them all, probably more than she could ever wish for. However, it was a few days after the festival that Elle still received a gift. She thought it was a belated yet still pleasant surprise.

She was only right about the ‘belated’ part.

The present was small, but its impact on Elle sure was huge. The small envelope contained a ring, but not just any ring. Surrounded by a single row of elegant pink and white diamonds, the exquisite diamond at the centre bore a brilliant halo so bright that she sought to cover it and block it from her sights instead of admiring how it radiated light in every direction. Its scintillation was so blinding that it reminded her of how blind she was...when she was still with the person who gave this ring to her. Her palms were sweating as she stared blankly at the diamond band, indifferent to its display of magnificence and instead thinking about how he got down on one knee and took her hands in his — it was not affectionate, merely possessive. Said he loved her, said he wanted to make her his wife, said he wanted to start a family with her...she could throw up just thinking of these lies, and how they served as excuses and ruses for him to make her his puppet.

She thought she had left this cursed ring with him when she left him altogether. She figured she ought to return it to him anyway, since it meant nothing to her, nothing she wanted to hold and keep in her heart anyway. Apparently it still was not enough to keep him away.

What was most unnerving for Elle was not the memories that this ring had brought back. Rather, it was what this gift implied. Marvin knew her address. That was already sufficiently chilling. The house was warm but she was quivering. He knew where she lived and she did not feel safe in her apartment anymore.

Overwhelmed by the discomfort but not quite yet to the point of breaking down in a panic attack, Elle found her phone and re-dialed her most recent call, which was to Jongin. But after one or two seconds she ended the call frantically, remembering that it was his holiday today and he was with his family in all the way down south in Suncheon, not quite within reach and she would not want to ruin the scarce and precious time he got to spend with his family. And so, just like last time, she decided that it would be better to turn to her best friend instead. Yunji answered the call promptly.

"I'm going to come over right now and pick you up," said Yunji worriedly. "You can stay the night at my place."

* * *

Breathing out a sigh of relief, Elle got into Yunji's car, riding shotgun as usual. She was so grateful for her best friend coming to her rescue.

"Let's play some music to calm you down, yeah?" Yunji suggested to Elle as she drove back to her place. "And when we get home, I'll share my ice cream with you."

“I’d love that,” Elle replied with a weak smile. “Thanks for coming over.”

“Ah, what are best friends for? Besides, you’d crash and burn without me,” Yunji winked.

Elle grinned in spite of the weariness. Chatting with Yunji always helped take her mind off things. It was so effective a distraction that neither of them saw a black car coming up from the wing mirror. They were so free of worry in conversation and little did they know what was coming their way.

When it came, it came as an abrupt collision from the right. Elle, on the passenger side, hissed loudly in agony as she was jolted forwards. The pain of a neck strain was immediate — that sudden, sharp bend of the neck was  _awful_. Yunji exclaimed in panic, attempting to grip the wheel tight but she was still overpowered, and it was not enough to prevent her from falling sideways and whacking her head on the side window. She lost control of the vehicle and it spun erratically, eventually crashing right into a lamppost.

Leaving both of them disoriented and falling all over the place, the black car sped away, into the distance and into the night.


	11. Till Death Do Us Part

Albeit having survived the crash, it was necessary for Elle to be hospitalized, at least for one day and one night. She was the one who was most affected by the impact, so the whiplash was inevitable. Yunji on the other hand was a bit more fortunate, only suffering bruises and headaches.

In spite of a hectic schedule, Jongin was able to visit his girlfriend. Even Yunji visited, along with Gyeongjin. But outside visiting hours, Elle was truly all alone, only having her loud thoughts for company. She kept wondering why such misfortune had to befall her. The silver lining was that at least she was alive, but still...

There was not much she could do apart from sleep, seeing as she did not have any electronic devices with her: no phone, no tablet, no laptop...she was bored. Whenever she woke up from her naps she would fall back asleep again simply because there was nothing else she could do. It was not a good idea for her to do much of anything anyway, as she was still convalescing. But this time when she woke up, she was not facing the ceiling of the hospital ward anymore.

She looked around, trying to figure out where she was. Her neck hurt so bad, dammit. She tried to sit up straight but simply could not find a comfortable position. It took her a moment to realize that her surroundings were not static. Oh, she was on the road. She was seated shotgun, inside a vehicle. Was it still Yunji driving? Where were they going? Why did it seem like they were in such a rush? They had got to be speeding...what was going on?

She turned her head and almost choked when she found herself face to face with none other than Marvin.

“What the fuck?!” She croaked, still disoriented. “How did I get here?”

Amidst the pain of her neck she tried to close her eyes and blink really hard, desperately hoping it was just a nightmare. But it was not.

"It's a long story, my love," Marvin replied, his voice smooth and slick and, quite frankly, disgusting. "I intend to explain it all to you, but after the effects of the drugs have passed and it's all out of your system. Don't worry."

Elle gasped. "What the — you drugged me?!"

Marvin shrugged, keeping his hands on the wheel and eyes on the road. "We do crazy things for the people we love. And, well, I can’t emphasize this enough but I love you."

Elle was less concerned with calling him out on his lies and more concerned with their whereabouts. "Where are we going?" She wished she could just whip out her phone and check Google Maps but alas she did not have her phone with her.

"I'm glad you're getting used to the idea of 'we'. After all, 'we' will be a properly married couple very soon, so I'm proud of you, catching on so quickly and all that," Marvin replied saccharinely.

"Married?!" Elle spat, then shook her head. "What are you talking about?! I'm not going to —”

"You said yes to me," Marvin insisted sternly, deliberately raising his voice to drown out hers. "We set a date and all. Today's the day."

Elle shivered, chills running down her spine. "Pull over. I won't marry you. Don't even dream of it. I left you for a reason. There's no way I would —”

"Yes, yes, you left me indeed. But now I have you back. The bad news is that we can't bring back the dead, but the good news is that I can get you back," Marvin smirked, referring to the text message that he had sent to Elle last month on the anniversary of their dog's passing. “You should be grateful. You wouldn’t be able to survive without me. But like I said, no worries. I got you.”

"You're sick," Elle glowered at him. "The last thing I'll do is get married to you." There were many other things she wanted to say, like she was better off without him, way better than she ever had been, but she did not say more as she was already finding it difficult to breathe. "Roll down the windows," she demanded. She was done being civil.

"Right, as you wish," Marvin replied and complied. "So long as you don't get crazy ideas like, thinking you can jump out of the window and get away from me. You’re gonna hurt yourself that way and I don’t want you to get hurt. It would break my heart if you were ever to get injured."

Elle wished she could do that. Really, she did, but that was impossible. She had already ruled out the option of fighting him off or incapacitating him as he was too tall and too muscular, plus it really looked like there was no escape at the moment. Her best option was to preserve her energy for now. Perhaps if she stopped responding, then he would not say much either, and silence was better than having to sit and listen to him. But then, it had to be through the stuff he would say that might enable her to deduce his plan, and from then on she could work to find a loophole and get away from him. Then again, she doubted she would be able to run far, considering her body was still weak yet he was buff as usual.

Her mental debate had come to an end when Marvin made a swift turn that made her flinch in pain, her neck aching and making her want to shut her eyes, but he did not allow that.

"We've arrived," he announced gleefully, glancing at the chapel as he parked his car. "Are you strong enough to get out of the car on your own or shall I carry you? Bridal style?”

"I can do it," she said through gritted teeth, not willing to have further physical contact with him.

Slowly yet surely, she stepped out of the vehicle. Her legs felt like jelly and her arms were slightly numb even as she reached up in an attempt to massage her neck because it was hurting so much.

"I'll give you back rubs as soon as we get home," he offered, tilting his head to the side as if he were truly concerned about her wellbeing.

"No, thanks. I'm fine," she snapped.

"Well, if you insist." He then grabbed her hand and led her into chapel. Each step felt incredibly, unbearably heavy, as if stones were tied to her ankles. Her heart was racing and not in the joyful way that brides typically experienced.

"I'm not going to marry you," she reiterated, intentionally slowing down and trying to withdraw her hand from his. "You’ve taken too much from me, and now you want me to give myself to you for the rest of my life? No way. You can't make me do anything. Not anymore.”

"Ooh, feisty," he sneered evilly. "Why don't you take a look inside and tell me whether or not I can make you do anything?"

Elle hated having to follow his instructions, but what he said was what she did anyway.

The air seemed to whoosh out of Elle's chest when she saw  _Chanyeol_  in the chapel, tied to a chair and gagged, with an insanely tall and frighteningly brawny guy standing behind him and pointing a gun at his head. He was trying desperately to stay still, but his teeth were chattering and his limbs were shaking in fear and nervousness, and behind his back he was picking at the skin on the back of his hands in an attempt to relieve the tension. He wondered how in the world he got into this mess. He just wanted some peace and some space to ruminate over some things, and he thought that the chapel would be a good place to do that. But now...he was getting the opposite of what he had signed up for.

“What the hell?!” Elle exclaimed, glancing back and forth between Chanyeol and Marvin. Marching right up to the burly guy but not bold enough to be too close, she commanded, “let him go! Leave him out of this! He shouldn’t be in this mess!”

The beefy guy just acted as if he did not even so much as hear Elle. He just kept his eyes on Marvin; it was clear that he only took orders from Marvin. Exasperated, Elle turned back to Marvin, chest heaving. Her mouth was dry and right now the pain in her neck felt mild compared to the fright that flooded her, reaching every cell and nerve of her frail body.

“So?” Marvin folded his arms across his chest. “Still think I can't make you do stuff?” He drawled. “I think you'll do exactly as I say. And I say we're getting married. You can either be wise and comply, or go ahead and do whatever you want as I blow his brains out,” he said lazily, casting a casual glance at Chanyeol. “You can say bye-bye to your special...uh, friend.”

“No! Don't!” Elle pleaded. Taking a deep, shaky breath in a weak attempt to steady herself, she quivered timidly and said, “I'll do it. As long as you let him go.” There should not have been any hesitation. It was simple. If Marvin really harmed Chanyeol it could be permanent. But marriage did not have to be. If all she needed to do was tell a lie although she was on oath, she would do it just to ensure Chanyeol’s safety. Even if he did not mean as much as he did to her — even if he were just a random, innocent guy.

Marvin smiled, a lopsided smile as twisted as he was as a person. “That’s what I thought. But I'm afraid I can't just let him go like that. You see, I do — I mean,  _we_  do — after all, need him as our witness.” He then spun Chanyeol’s chair around so that he was facing the altar now.

Chanyeol looked up at Elle gratefully, but with weariness and fear. Their eye contact was not maintained long enough for him to express any pity for her though, as Marvin’s loud, loathsome voice, booming and echoing, had diverted their attention to the altar where he was standing. “Bring him in! We’re ready!”

For now, Marvin's hireling stepped away from Chanyeol, taking big steps toward a room obscured from sight from where Elle was standing, but even then neither Chanyeol nor Elle could relax, especially not when said goon had returned, and he was not alone. An old priest was with him, tied up just like Chanyeol was, and looking no less scared, alternating between protests and pleas.

“Very good. Let’s begin.” Marvin rubbed his hands together, warming them before taking Elle’s hand in his and motioning for her to stand next to him in front of the altar. She stepped forward and felt her body shift reluctantly. Every breath she took felt strained. She had never thought things would come to this. She had gone the whole hog to leave Marvin just to leave this all behind, to avoid this at all costs. The last thing she wanted was to be coerced into spending the rest of her life with him, because that way it would be no different than having her hands tied behind her back like poor Chanyeol and the poor priest. But now, she was scared of Marvin and what he was capable of. His obsession with her knew no bounds, and his twisted need to have her under his control was both sickening and agitating but above all, frightening, in this moment.

Albeit having paused several times because the priest was scared out of his wits and therefore stuttering nonstop, he proceeded with the ceremony and delivered all the lines that he as an officiant was supposed to say. Now it was Marvin’s turn, and his voice was smooth, sickeningly smooth, an evil glint in his eye. This was what he wanted and it was happening, even if he had to resort to violence and crime to get it. Completely justified in his eyes.

“In the name of God, I, Marvin, take you, Elle, to be my wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, until we are parted by death. This is my solemn vow.”

This was it. Elle could not even find her voice; she only knew to keep licking and chewing on her lips, feeling like she might draw blood anytime. She saw from the corner of her eye that Chanyeol had tried to break loose from his restraints — as if there was a chance that he could break free, grab Elle’s hand, and run like crazy to get the hell out of here — but to no avail.

Elle tried to stall for time, praying for a miracle. “In the name of God,” she spoke slowly, stammering every now and then and not even voluntarily. “I, Elle, take you,” she swallowed hard, find her throat dry and her jaw trembling. “Marvin,” she gulped again, tears brimming in her eyes. “To be my husband,” she choked and could hardly believe she was doing this. “To have and to hold,” she continued in spite of her tears pouring down her pale face. “From this day forward,” she spluttered although each word was ringing with revulsion. “For better, for worse, for richer, for poorer,” she coughed again, nearly hyperventilating. “In sickness and in health,” she went on, knowing she had to. Already she was shuddering at the thought of Marvin or his subordinate firing the gun for real. “To love and to cherish.” Her voice was shaking and squeaky as she instructed herself to inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale, but it was like she did not have control over her own breathing either. “Until we are parted by de—”

“SMPA! Hands where I can see them!”

All of a sudden, half a dozen men, each clad in green uniform and a black cap, burst into the chapel, and  _they_  were holding guns too.

Elle turned around in complete amazement. She could not believe that she was so engrossed in the wedding ceremony that she had not heard the police sirens earlier.


	12. A Spring To Call My Own

“Chanyeol, you alright? Chanyeol? Chanyeol! Ya!”

The boy snapped to attention, finally, and realized that his manager was calling him, shaking him by his shoulders to draw him out of his reverie. “Yeah, I’m fine…” he uttered dazedly. “Sorry, you were saying?”

Manager-nim sighed, knowing Chanyeol had been zoning out during rehearsals, getting the choreography all wrong or forgetting that it was his turn to take the spotlight, trailing off in the middle of his lines or generally rapping without emotion albeit staying on beat. It had been a few days since the ‘wedding’, and he was having a hard time recovering from it. He was probably more thankful than Elle was that he had suggested that they report Marvin to the authorities. That decision, in addition to the security footage from the hospital, as well as the surveillance cameras on the highways — speeding was bound to draw attention anyway — had enabled the cops to locate Marvin and apprehend him. He was also responsible for the car crash before that, so it looked like he would be staying out of everyone’s way for quite some time.

“You don’t look fine,” said manager-nim seriously. “You really should’ve taken those few days off. We know what you’ve been through and it must have been traumatic for you. Please don’t exert yourself too much.”

“No, I’m alright, really. I will do my best and give the fans a wonderful performance. Our last performance of the year. I’ll also be at the countdown party tonight,” he replied firmly. “I know I’m not in my best condition, but I won’t disappoint you or the other members or our EXO-Ls. I’ll do well.”

Manager-nim nodded hesitantly. “Please do get some rest after tonight. Just let me know if you need anything; I’ll help.”

* * *

Fortunately for Elle, she was discharged from the hospital just in time to count down to the New Year with Yunji and company.

“Are you sure it’s fine that I keep third-wheeling you and Gyeongjin?” Elle asked lightheartedly when the New Year’s kiss moment was over.

“Don’t be silly! You’re part of the fam now; we can’t just leave you out,” Yunji answered happily. “I’m pretty sure my parents are more fond of you than of me anyway,” she joked. "By the way, I've been meaning to ask you for some ideas. As you know, Gyeongjin's birthday is just round the corner, and I'm still thinking about what to get him. All I know is that we're going to be throwing a barbecue party — and of course you're invited — but on top of that I want to give him a really thoughtful and special present."

“But you  _are_  the gift,” Elle replied naturally, sitting back and crossing her legs. “You’re the best that he could ever ask for.”

“Flattery will get  _me_  nowhere,” Yunji pouted.

“Hold on, just a moment,” Elle said and sat up straight, taking her phone out of her pocket as it vibrated to notify her of an incoming phone call from Jongin. Her face lit up instantly as she picked up.

"Hey! Happy new year!" Jongin said cheerily.

Elle excused herself and went to the balcony where it was quieter. Even though she would be exposed to the wind, she felt warm enough deep inside because of the joy and cheer and positivity that surrounded her, because she found family in Yunji, and because of the love she and Jongin shared. "Happy new year to you too," she replied joyfully.

"I wish I could spend it with you." He was grinning over the phone and although she could not see it she could hear it in his voice and feel his mirth.

"Ah, I long to be with you too. But it isn't so bad with the members either, now, is it?" She giggled gently. "Besides, we'll be spending time with each other all through this new year."

"Of course. I'll make time for you no matter how hectic it gets. And I'm definitely not going to demand that you give up your own hobbies to cater to my schedules," he declared. "And on that note, all I want to do this year is love you and treat you right, always be by your side to support you, and make you happy always. That's one of my new year's resolutions; I'm gonna tell you more when I see you again. You got any?"

She beamed heartily. "Well, what you’re doing for me — I want to do all of that for you too. And on top of that I just wanna stay out of trouble, rebuild my social circle, and...keep being myself. Enjoy this life. With you.”

“That sounds great — HIYA, JONGINNIE’S GIRLFRIEND! — Hey, no, give it back!"

Elle laughed. “Who was that?”

“It was Jongdae-hyung! He took my phone. Gosh," Jongin chuckled. "Your friends ever do that to you?"

Elle glanced over her shoulder briefly to see Yunji sitting back, sipping wine, and wiggling her eyebrows. Turning around again she replied, "Yunji wouldn't, but she would want to meet you in person. Like, properly, over dinner or something, not during hospital visits."

“Sure,” Jongin agreed. “Let’s make that happen.”

* * *

It happened sooner than they had expected, thanks to Gyeongjin’s birthday party. But it was also an opportunity for Elle to chat with Chanyeol as they had not spoken since the traumatic experience last week.

“Hey,” Elle said quietly, sounding tentative and fiddling with her hands.

“Hey,” Chanyeol replied, stifling a sigh and smiling genuinely, though he was far off from his usual Happy Virus mood. “It’s good to see you.”

“Is it?” She asked apologetically, sitting down next to him, letting his cologne overtake the smell of burned charcoal. “If it weren’t for me, you wouldn’t have been in danger…”

He shook his head resolutely. “It’s not your fault. You were a victim too.” His tone was solemn but not accusatory. “I don’t hold you responsible for this.”

She still felt a bit ashamed. “Still, I’m really sorry that I’ve brought this upon you even though it’s never been my intention. You could've d—” she gulped. “You could've…”

“I know,” he said somberly, nodding slightly. “And I also know that the one thing you want the most is to be able to live your own life and do what  _you_  want, not what  _he_  wants you to do. But you still agreed to do as he told you to; you still agreed to marry him, even if the very idea of it disgusted you.” He was silent for a moment, looking off into the distance where the trees waved restlessly and the leaves rustled noisily. “That wasn't weakness. That was strength,” he concluded. “It makes me want to thank you rather than blame you.”

“Chanyeol…” she did not even know what to say to make at least one of them feel better. She was no less a victim but she was not the one who was held at gunpoint…

“Anyway,” he cleared his throat. “I'll be fine. How are  _you_  holding up though?”

“I...I'm just, relieved, for the most part,” she explained. “I always have Yunji, and Jongin has been hugely supportive, so that helps a lot.”

“So, you and Jongin, huh?” He chuckled, but not coldly. “Don't get me wrong. I'm happy for both of you. The two of you help one another to be the person you each want to be. I just don't want our…” he glanced over his shoulder and made sure Jongin was out of earshot before continuing. “Ahem, our history to potentially make things awkward between you and him. He knows about the double date already.”

“Yeah, and he thought there was something going on between us,” she revealed with a light laugh. “But I've explained it to him already. It's no big deal.”

“He doesn't know about...the masquerade party, does he?” He pressed on secretively.

“I don't think he does,” she answered cautiously. “And...I don't really plan on telling him? There's no point. It doesn't benefit our relationship. And I only wanna do things that are healthy for our relationship. Whoever I was with in the past, it isn't relevant anymore. I don't intend to ask him about his past either, really. It's his business.”

He nodded in agreement. “Then, as a friend to both of you, I wish you two happiness,” he smiled.

* * *

"There you are," said Jongin cheerfully as he steadily approached Elle once he found her on the balcony alone. "Isn't it cold for you?"

She turned around and grinned at him. "Nope. I’ll have you to keep me warm anyway."

"That much is true," he nodded and came up to her. He stood behind her and wrapped his arms around her. She took advantage of this opportunity to kiss him softly before he beamed and was about to rest his chin on her shoulder when he noticed her tattoo. Definitely not for the first time but he had never found the chance to ask her about since there were always so many other things to talk about.

She also took note of what his line of vision landed on. "I know what you're thinking."

He smiled. "Do you feel like sharing?"

"Yeah, I want you to know," she replied, reaching up to stroke her tattoo gently. "So, the Capricorn sign. It's more than just because I'm a Capricorn, of course."

His embrace tightened in mirth. "A Capricorn like me. I love how our birthdays on the calendar will always be right next to each other, just like we are in real life."

"Yes, a Capricorn like you, and this Capricorn definitely likes you," she giggled. "This tattoo of mine...so, actually, Capricorn, the constellation starts at the Winter Solstice and that's when the night is longest and the day is shortest. It's literally the day of the year with the most darkness, like literally. But it also marks the departure from darkness and the return to light. It's supposed to remind me that even though I might have been in a dark place, it could really be the beginning of a path that eventually brings me to a brighter place where I want to be. It might be really bad at one point, but it's not gonna stay like that forever; I won't be trapped for the rest of my life. It won't always be winter; I just gotta hold on because spring is just right round the corner. And..." she sighed, but not in woe. "It's really kinda funny and surprising that I'd find new meaning in an old tattoo."

"Tell me," he ushered lovingly.

"It's got me thinking about when I first moved here." Turning around, she rested her arms on his shoulders and pulled him close. "I left a lot of my burdens behind, but still I carried a big part of my past with me, and because of that, my heart was in an eternal winter when I first came to Seoul. But when you came into my life," she found herself smiling as she explained. "It was spring again. You are my spring." The words slipped out of her mouth as soon as the revelation had hit her. "The spring to my winter and," she sniffled. "The clarity to my haze. Winter hasn't ended yet but it doesn’t matter, because I've found my spring. Jongin, you are the spring that I get to call my own."

His heart was thumping in joy as he held her fond gaze. "Let me always be a source of your joy and strength then. Through the ups and downs and no matter what we're going through."

She nodded firmly and happily. "And I will be that for you too. I never thought I would be strong enough to make all the right decisions in my life, but..."

"But you are. And you're stronger than so many people I know," he replied affectionately, admiration shining in his eyes. "Let us always lean on each other. Come what may; we can get through anything."

She felt a rush of warmth in her heart, swelling up and demanding to be expressed. It was such an unfamiliar feeling at first, but it seemed to have been there, sitting in her chest, for a while now. It had just been building up and growing and blossoming — like flowers in the spring. She knew what it was now. "Jongin, I love you."

His face was painted in joy and there was a little bit of surprise because he had always thought that he was going to be the one to say those words first, but since she got there before him, and it was not like he minded it the least bit… “I love you too, Elle.”

Caressing her face with a hand, he brought his lips down onto hers, his other hand finding her tattoo and thumbing it tenderly. The lasting winter was nothing compared to the spring they had built together. The past did not matter either. They were content in the present, and the future they wanted was one that they could spend together.


	13. Happy Birthday

A fortnight into this new year, it was Jongin's birthday. He had spent the morning with the other members, much of the afternoon at his birthday party with the fans, and it was only in the evening that he wound up in Elle's place.

"Happy birthday!" Elle gushed, elated. "I've had time to get back into cooking which I've always loved, and I actually made something for you!" She announced as she proudly presented a white chocolate cake with raspberry fillings. "Ta-da! It doesn't look too bad, does it? I almost screwed it up, but oh well," she shrugged. "I think I'm pleased with how it turned out."

"No! It looks tempting! Gosh, I'm glad I'm not on a diet these days. If I had to turn that down to get in shape...ah, I'm gonna be so disappointed," Jongin replied enthusiastically, licking his lips and patting his stomach, ready to dig in.

Rather than directly telling her how much he liked it, his eating speed really explained everything. "There's more in the fridge, right?" He asked lightheartedly, eagerly finishing the glass of soda in his hand.

She giggled. "There will be, if and when I make more."

"Aww, but I want more now," he whined and both of them laughed.

"I'll go see what else there is in the kitchen that you might like," she offered, turning on her heel already.

Checking the fridge, she pouted as she found that she only had eggs, milk, and vegetables left. Boring. She better hit the supermarket tomorrow. But then tomorrow was her birthday, the only day of the year on which she could allow herself to just stay in bed all day and do nothing.

She was stopped in her track of thoughts when a pair of arms snaked around her waist. "Jongin," she said, chuckling. "I didn't find anything. We can order some food though."

"There's no need," he stated. "I decide that I like you the best."

"You like me at all? Ooh, I hadn't noticed," she replied mischievously.

"Yeah, I tend to be subtle about it." Gladly he played along, and just as gladly he kissed her jaw. "This is not too...obvious, is it?"

She took a moment to respond as she shuddered in anticipation. "No, not at all," she mumbled, attempting to turning around but changed her mind when he continued to kiss her, departing from her jawline to move lower down to her neck.

"How 'bout now?" He asked impishly, only pausing briefly to return to the sensitive region behind her ear.

"Jongin, you're gonna give it all away..." she gasped softly, angling her head to invite him to continue in his lips' adventure.

"Whoops," he said absentmindedly, holding back. "Didn't mean to."

She whirled to face him this time, putting her hands on his shoulders. "Didn't know you like me  _that_  much."

"Oh, you have no idea," he murmured, pressing their bodies together and then their lips. Electricity jolted through her veins, passion sizzling, and a surge of energy gushed through every part of her body. It was all because of him.

"You're giving me ideas though..." she replied, and this time she was the one to push him against the wall.

"Why don't you enlighten me?" He suggested, a tantalizing smile playing at his lips as he let her do whatever she wanted with him.

She held back for a moment, eyeing him from head to toe. He was perfection in her eyes and she was so lucky to have him right where she wanted him. "I will if you take off your hoodie."

"Fair enough." He complied, although it was clear that he would have done it sooner or later even if she had not been the one to suggest it. Sliding her hand up his bare chest, eventually she leaned in to kiss him again, torridly, fervently, passionately. His hands slid under her shirt, roaming over her waist and then going up her back, pausing when his fingertips swiped across the clasp of her bra. She acted quicker, however, and got her shirt out of the way, and then her sweatpants.

"These have got to go too," she declared, tugging at his trousers. But he was too preoccupied with admiring the view to do as she wished. Seeing as he was licking his lips and too happily taking in this hot sight and getting to touch her, she smirked knowingly. "Fine. I'll do it for you."

With much certainty she had dropped to her knees, the stark coldness of the kitchen tiles not at all bothering her. A thought at the back of her mind hinted to her that perhaps she would be done with it before her knee caps could get used to it. Either way, she was not deterred, because he was so hot anyway, and she could not take her eyes off of him. His chest, his abs, his v-line...and where her line of vision was ultimately reaching. His bulge had not escaped her notice. In fact, it had her full attention, and with every article of his clothing shed, gladly she got to business. Humming comfortably as she relaxed her mouth and took him in, it was inch after inch and barely any intention of slowing down.

"Oh...so good," Jongin muttered, but his words failed him and gradually his sentences trailed off halfway through as he stopped thinking about anything but how great it felt to be pleasured like this. She was enjoying this as much as he was — probably the only difference was that he was very vocal with his enjoyment whereas she could not quite make noises at the moment — and even though it had indeed been a while since she had last offered this favor to anyone, it did not undermine her confidence the least bit because she was that comfortable with being intimate with Jongin. As she bobbed her head up and down, it did not take long for her to find a steady rhythm. After that, it was adding more tongue action and some more suction that did the trick — and pushed him over the edge.

Disengaging his hands from her hair, he dabbed at the sweat forming on his forehead as he waited for his heavy breathing to return to normal. He needed the coolness of the wall that his back was pressed to. He needed it to cool him down before he could go ahead with what he had in mind.

Steadily, she rose to her feet, looking quite content and proud. "Well, happy birthday to you," she cooed singsong. But then she let out a squeak as he lifted her feet off the ground and carried her to the kitchen counter, settling her down on it. She squealed and giggled at his eagerness and swiftness, and showed him that the enthusiasm and passion was reciprocated as she slid her panties off, much more speedily than she could have expected.

Jongin hardly considered himself an impatient man in general, but because he was so aroused right now, his multi-tasking skills were boosted and his general movements were impressively fast and precise. He undid her bra, and engaged her in a greedy kiss. He had the mind to deepen the kiss, but ultimately decided against it, and made it his turn to get on his knees.

"Am I still being really obvious that I like you?" He could not even wait for an answer, already stroking her thighs, spreading her legs, and moving in for the kill.

"You...you're..." she gasped as soon as his tongue met her wet folds. "You're downright spoiling me."

Puckishly he shot an upward glance at her, not stopping in his licks. Keeping a hand behind her back to support herself as these delightful sensations were making her lose herself, she ran her free hand through his hair and tugged on it. She was massaging his scalp slowly, in contrast to the quick flicks of his tongue up and down and over her sensitive clit, and after that he was sliding his tongue into her, hands on her hips as he delved deeper still. She moaned in response, and before she knew it, his tongue was back on her clit again, this time applying more pressure. He was focused, precise, and determined to make her feel good.

"Feels so nice..." she uttered, throwing her head back. Not once did he stop stimulating her, even when his hands reached up to fondle her breasts. This move surprised her but not half as much as it brought her even more pleasure. With her nipples between his thumbs and forefingers, and with the intense play going on down there, it was hard for her to not shut her eyes and gasp softly. Her whole body was receptive to this overwhelming pleasure and it kept building up with each gentle squeeze of his fingertips. He was even more relentless now, rendering her unable to vocalize how close she was, but that was fine, because when he made her come undone, she let out a long moan in satisfaction, and it was equally satisfying for him to hear. There was no better indicator of a job well done.

"Happy birthday to you too," he said playfully, licking his lips as he stood. He was sure it was past midnight by now, and he was prepared to make this birthday one of the best ever.

She thanked him by pulling him in for a kiss, sensual and deep. At the same time she reached down to find that he was hard again. Since he was ready once more, and neither of them had the mind to call it a night, there was only one thing on their minds.

With certainty, she slid forward till her hips met his, inviting him to do the same. "Will you spoil me more?" She purred, leaning forward to kiss his neck.

"Fuck," he hissed under his breath. He could not resist her. "I'll...do anything you want," he almost spluttered, his whole body burning in desire. He could no longer hold back from touching her everywhere...everywhere except where she wanted to be touched the most. Aching for that stimulation, she wrapped her legs around his hip and once again connected her lips to his. Getting the hint, he pushed forward, easily sliding into her. Soon they were moaning and groaning into their kisses, rocking back and forth in desire. The friction was so satisfying and since their bodies had already been primed to pursue pleasure, they got what they wanted. The high had consumed her, causing her to gasp and quake in bliss. Yet he paid little attention to her nails digging into his shoulder blades as he was too absorbed in his own ecstasy. It took him only a few more strokes to get there, a guttural grunt escaping his throat that was covered with her kisses. Both of them were panting and sweating but in utter enjoyment. It was inarguably a happy birthday for the two of them.


	14. Healing

Chanyeol had never had much luck in love, but romance was not what was on his mind these days. Lots of thoughts kept him up at night. Dark thoughts. He could hardly sleep. Caffeine had allowed him to get through the day but it was not a sustainable solution. He still felt like shit and he was scared to go out alone. Previously, this was out of the concern that he might get mobbed or papped, but it turned out there were worse fears, like what if he fell victim to a psychopath who tied him up and had someone point a gun at his head? The worst thing was that it happened at a chapel...where he was supposed to feel safe and watched over by the saints. Now he had questions. So many questions, and so little faith.

Once again his Kris-hyung had caught him crying in the car. It was hardly therapeutic, but Chanyeol just kept doing it, in the car or whenever, wherever he was alone, curling up and breaking down. When he was working or performing, he was just fine. At least, he appeared that way, and kept pretending that was the case. But when he was on his own, that façade would completely shatter. His head hurt and everything hurt and he felt as if he was losing his mind; he could not keep it all together and he was falling apart.

“Chanyeol, this is not the first time,” Kris stated, frowning in worry. “We’ve got to do something about this.”

“Hyung, I’m terrified of being alone,” Chanyeol croaked, his breathing ragged as he choked on his words. “I can’t go to church or write songs or anything — it’s absurd.”

“I want to help you. If you're scared to be on your own...shall we go somewhere crowded?" Kris suggested.

Chanyeol looked up and paused for a moment. "Crowded?"

Kris nodded. "Crowded."

* * *

Chanyeol was not allowed much time to appreciate and be impressed by the décor of club that boasted the largest dance floor in the district before he was greeted by rings of cigarette smoke that never seemed to quite dissipate. His eyes took some time to get used to the bright flashing lights blinding him with the variety of colors, but his body needed no such adjustment as the loud energetic music made it impossible for him to not sway to whatever beat the DJ picked. He found himself surrounded by strips of neon lights on every wall and on the ceiling, and it was almost dizzying, but it felt good anyway.

It had indeed been a while since Chanyeol had gone clubbing. Back then, even though he was not a frequent visitor of the notorious clubbing districts, whenever he would go, he would usually be with Gyeongjin, who had always been of the idea that Chanyeol should party more and have fun to destress anyway. Gyeongjin was also particularly proud of himself for bringing Chanyeol to Yunji's birthday party a few months ago because clearly the lonely giant had scored a one night stand through that occasion. However, now that Gyeongjin was no longer single, he was less likely to be clubbing company for Chanyeol. No fear, though, because surely right now he and his Kris-hyung were going to party their sorrows away, be each other's wingman and pick up some ladies.

Chanyeol was dragged by Kris through layers and circles of clubbers to the table that was clearly reserved for them. Already, dozens of sexy ladies were throwing sultry glances his way, a suggestive wink here and a seductive smile there as they seemed to innocently brush past him, accidentally grinding on him because there was not enough space, unintentionally rubbing against him and then looking up at him with a smirk. However Chanyeol was not that in the mood yet, still feeling a bit awkward, but at least he was allowing the strong bass to crush the recurrent dark thoughts in his head.

Kris, on the other hand, was perfectly in his element, winking back at the beautiful women and smirking too, not at all afraid to acknowledge the undeniable, irresistible power he held. He knew the club owner, he knew the DJs, he knew the bouncers, the bartenders, the servers, the dancers...but he did not remember the names of any of these glamorous girls even though one or two faces looked familiar. He only remembered pinning someone against the wall in a dark corner, lustfully kissing and nipping on her neck while his hand slid into her panties to do god-knows-what. He could also remember cab rides to strangers' apartments and waking up with some of the worst hangovers ever, while everything in between was a blur. A hot, sinful blur.

Feeling generous, Kris announced his presence by treating everybody in the club to free champagne. The room erupted in a deafening cheer, incomparable to rapturous fan chants but the atmosphere was as it should be. Sure, the Dom Perignon Luminous Magnum he bought for everyone did cost a fortune, but he had a hell lot of money, attracted a hell lot of women, and was having a hell lot of fun. He already knew who he was going to be sharing a bed with tonight, gladly taking his pick from a pool of pretty ladies.

The next few hours consisted of filling up their glasses, emptying them, repeating the process, and hitting the dance floor. The alcohol did amazing things to Chanyeol and it was only a matter of time before he was making out with one hot girl after another and then tumbling down onto a stranger's bed, their clothes a mess on the floor.

The following morning when he left her apartment, it was already time for her to go to work. "Bad idea to drink so much when I've got work the next morning, I know," she giggled. "Good thing my clinic is a few blocks away, though."

Still apprehensive about being alone, Chanyeol offered to walk her to her workplace, and she did not turn him down. "Here I am," she announced, stopping in her tracks. "Last night was a blast, but now, you best be on your way out before any of my colleagues spots you walking me to work — and they do love to gossip."

Chanyeol took notice of the array of nameplates on the wall next to the entrance of the building, found her name and, in slight surprise, turned back to her. "You're a therapist?"

"Yeah, I specialize in eating disorders and clinical nutrition," she revealed and nodded, pointing at her nameplate. "It's not as mainstream as the anxiety disorders or mood disorders that my colleagues deal with, but that's my very own area of expertise. Why?"

"I..." Chanyeol frowned and hesitated but only took a moment to make up his mind. "I think I need help."

* * *

By the end of the month, it was time for Elle to leave the company, as her work here as a substitute teacher was done — the teacher that she was substituting for was back from maternity leave. Elle had the option of staying, but she decided to pursue her career elsewhere. After all, she knew what she wanted to do in life, and it was about starting her own tutorial center and even working as a part-time dance instructor at a studio. It was where her passion lied and she had been kept away from it for too long.

“So it’s your last day here?” Jongin asked, finding Elle in her office clearing and packing her belongings. “I come bearing coffee. A large hazelnut macchiato, half-caf, with soy, extra hot. Did I get that right?”

“Where it all started, eh?” Elle turned to Jongin and winked. Setting several books down on the desk, she gladly went up to him. “I think you nailed my order. And yours? Same old boring ordinary cappuccino?”

“Why not,” he hummed contently, taking a sip from his coffee.

“So I was thinking,” she began. “Actually, I’ve had my mind made up since...wow, I don’t even remember. Christmas, I suppose? Anyway, the thing is…” she grinned proudly. “I think I’m ready to dance again and I promised that I would tell you about it once I felt ready. I’m ready now and I want to dance...with you.”

He beamed. “It’s not too late to go to the studio. I think it’s unoccupied until…” he glanced at his watch. “We’ve got at least an hour’s time.”

“Perfect,” she replied joyously. “Let’s go.”


End file.
